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David

Office-Speak

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The Beeb has compiled a top list (don't let Channel 4 know, for God's sake...) of the most loathed office expressions.

 

You can read them here.

 

If it's genuine my favourite is the FTSE company that's banned 'brain storm' because of the negative associations of experiencing fits, replacing it with 'ideas shower'.

 

I'd love to be the one in a meeting to suggest the CEO should be involved with an ideas shower, pointing out that his top quality ideas would ensure it was a golden one...

 

You could either enjoy inner guffaws as he looks flattered or prepare your brain for a storm.

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Unsurprisingly, this made its way into New Tesco House this morning and has been causing considerable amusement.

 

Since it is near the end of my working day, I'm about to head down the strategic staircase from my 4th floor eyrie to my car and drive home.

 

My least favourite bit of business jargon at the moment is "lifecycle process". For the reason why, see this post from the "what is everyone doing" thread.

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I love this stuff. It's strange how someone thinks up a genuinely new way of expressing something, using a creative metaphor, and it becomes over-used to the point of frustration.

 

My own pet hates are "going forward" - it seems to be thrown in everywhere, as a filler - and the artificially positive mindset that refuses to use the word "problem", substituting it in all cases with "challenge". Sometimes it is a challenge. Sometimes it's a problem. It can be both, but sometimes I just need to say that it's a problem: that doesn't mean I give up.

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I saw this this morning and was incensed by number 19 - outwith.

 

Outwith is not business speak, and it's absolutely not an Americanism. It's a fine Scottish word (the opposite of inwith, as it happens) that is also not unknown in Ireland. Unfortunately the BBC site didn't have an obvious way to point this out to them.

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Guest Harley

Brain storm makes my brain want to storm out of my head and slap the person inventing the word.

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Thinking outside the box. This one always tickles me.
Thank goodness I don't/didn't work in an office environment, enough "management-speak" (to quote some of same) seeps into everyday life via newspapers/radio/TV.

 

Similar to Squirls contribution above is "pushing the envelope".

I'm never quite sure if one is supposed to push it from the inside, to escape it's confines,

or to shove it somewhere :confused::P

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We had a few classics from an EDS account manager

 

'That crumbles my cookie'

'I don't have the bandwidth'

 

What made them even better was that they were delivered in the guys tremendously thick geordie accent - 'That crumbles maa cukkee'

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When my hubby has to attend long, boring meetings he and some of his colleagues try to get as many song titles into the discussion as possible. Most see what's going on after a while, but it goes completely over his bosses head - much to everyone's amusement.

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When my hubby has to attend long, boring meetings he and some of his colleagues try to get as many song titles into the discussion as possible. Most see what's going on after a while, but it goes completely over his bosses head - much to everyone's amusement.

At about ten to five this afternoon, a colleague announced that she had been advised she had to get a male interviewer to join an interview panel and that he had to be from outwith the immediate business area. I suggested that it was too late to find anyone today, and that it would have to wait until tomorrow. My colleagues agreed. I summarized this with a straight face as "gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight".

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This article in today's Sun seem to indicate that one of their reporters is lurking on BGO.

Well, contrary to how it might appear journalists on The Sun must be at least reasonably bright to rise to positions on national newspapers, so I'm sure they need somewhere intelligent to come in order to prevent their brains sinking into a completely atrophied state.

 

So welcome all Sun journalists - we understand your need for secrecy and it's safe with us.

 

;)

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I got these a while back. Some guy kept a note of his manager's mangled bizspeak.

 

I have a manager who has chosen to not only use every business cliche, but uses each one incorrectly. I've maintained a list because I, well, because it's just funny.

 

“I don’t want to be a slippery slope, but…” [1/7/2004]

 

“I think we’re putting the apple before the horse here” [1/7/2004] (cart before the horse?)

 

“That guy can talk the meat off a dog wagon” [1/21/2004]

 

Used ‘high breed’ instead of ‘hybrid’ [1/21/2004]

 

“It’s not like we’re squeezing juice from the grape” [5/12/2004]

 

“The only trick under my sleeve I’m going to pull out is…” [5/18/2004]

 

“I don’t mean for this software to be used as a scapegoat” [5/18/2004] (meant escape hatch)

 

“The other thing I should be real transparent about is…” [5/26/2004]

 

“We need a system of stop gaps…” [5/26/2004]

 

“I can’t read all this information, I’m more of a visional person.” [6/14/2004] (visual?)

 

“This encovers the entire department.” [6/18/2004]

 

“Let's be careful not to build a deck of cards here.” [6/18/2004] (house of cards?)

 

“What do we show to someone who just walked in off a cliff?” [6/18/2004] (off the street?)

 

“I think its best that we build a system that can continue on ad nauseum.” [6/18/2004] (ad infinitum?)

 

“I really don't have any kongs about doing it that way.” [6/18/2004] (qualms?)

 

“Either way you cut it, it’s a 50/50 street.” [6/24/2004]

 

“A few of us are sweating bricks here.” [6/29/2004] (bullets? shiatting bricks?)

 

"This just serves as a refirmition to me that this is what we should do." [7/2/2004] (reaffirmation?)

 

"We're still perplexing on the final solution" [7/29/2004]

 

"We don't want to take any chances where the costback is speculative" [7/29/2004] (charge-backs? cost savings?)

 

"Not to dump this inside a rug, but can we postpone some of this until later" [7/29/2004] (sweep under the rug?)

 

"Let's not just implement stopgates here" [7/29/2004] (stopgaps?)

 

"This is simply SSI here" [8/5/2004] (meant FYI)

 

"We gotta tap into that functionality 20 ways from Sunday" [8/5/2004] (six ways)

 

“We don’t want to be boxed into a corner” [9/20/2004] (painted?, boxed in?)

 

"Of course, I'm just being fictitional here, but..." [10/14/2004] (facetious?)

 

"I'm being unconscious when I say this…" [10/14/2004] (isn’t he always?)

 

"Is there any way we can parcel this out into smaller projects?" [10/14/2004] (parse?)

 

"What I deduct from this…" [10/14/2004] (deduce?)

 

"Our other choice is to let CMS whittle on the vine." [10/14/2004] (die on the vine?, whither away?)

 

"Do we want to hand-hold him?" [10/25/2004] (hold his hand?)

 

“If it’s so clear cut and dry…” [11/1/2004] (clear cut? cut and dry?)

 

"Sometimes it feels like its just a juggling art" [12/3/2004] (act?)

 

“There’s a program that converts them to edible Word documents” [12/6/2004] (editable)

 

“Things like this really tug at my oyster” [12/30/2204] (heartstrings?)

 

"We're not married at the hip to this concept" [12/30/2004] (joined at the hip?)

 

"It’s not like we're doing this under the cloak of radar" [12/30/2004] (flying under the radar? Cloak of darkness?)

 

"Let's not cry over our root beer here" [12/30/2004] (cry over spilled milk? cry in our beer?)

 

"We’d go live from start 1" [1/24/2005]

 

"We don’t want people to feel they are working in a microscosm " [1/24/2005] (under a microscope?)

 

"Maybe I'm just trying to put a square in a round peg here." [2/4/2005] (square peg in a round hole?)

 

"The last thing I'm trying not to do here is make this complicated." [2/4/2005]

 

"We don’t want anything to proclude us in the future from further development." [2/14/2005] (preclude?)

 

"We can go over this to the fifth degree without solving it." [3/14/2005] (nth degree?)

 

"Before I head out tonight, I'll flop an e-mail off to you." [4/21/2005] (send?)

 

"When I heard about this job opening, I was on it like rice on rice." [4/22/2005] (white on rice)

 

"You have to be careful not to cross too many toes when you're talking about doing that." [4/22/2005]

 

"What's the statue of libertations on that, anyway?" [4/22/2005] (statute of limitations)

 

“We’re starting this cold turkey” [4/25/2005] (from scratch?, starting cold?)

 

"Whenever an attorney or secretary comes looking for folders, you always have to wonder what their ammo is." [5/10/2005] (M.O., or "modus operandi"?)

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The latest one in my workplace is "smart working." It's nothing to do with how you do your job or even how you dress. What it means is that the majority of staff will not have a permanent desk. They will be expected to book a hot-desk for those days when they need to work in one of the company's buildings, but will be expected to work from home at least one day a week. In recognition of the extra cost of heating, lighting, powering the laptop, powering the printer, powering the kettle, etc, we can claim 60p for every day worked at home. This is a generous allowance, we are told, because of the additional savings that we will all make by not travelling into the office.

 

That's all right, then.

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How businesses love the word smart. We at Big T are in annual objectives setting mode and our objectives are meant to be SMART - Sustainable, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and, er, something beginning with T. Targetted, possibly, I dunno.

 

I wonder how much the consultant who came up with this nonsense got paid.

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I remember the computers at work were all programmed to have the same screen-saver (look at me, 2 computer-jargonese in one sentence - you'd almost be forgiven for thinking I know what I am talking about), that read 'Positive Mental Attitude' in rainbow, wavy font. It drove me insane.

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How businesses love the word smart. We at Big T are in annual objectives setting mode and our objectives are meant to be SMART - Sustainable, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and, er, something beginning with T. Targetted, possibly, I dunno.

 

I wonder how much the consultant who came up with this nonsense got paid.

 

 

S= Specific & T = Timely, I use this one all the time at work. Oh poo I'm turning into David Brent! Please someone take me out and shoot me. :yikes:

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we have

 

specific - i.e. clear in meaning, not airy fairy general

measurable - i.e. must be clear whether or not it has been achieved: a pass mark

achievable - i.e. there has to be some prospect of success

relevant - i.e. it must fit within your overall aims and goals

timebound - i.e. there is a clear cut off point by which it must have been achieved, you can't drag it on indefinitely

 

If you add these together, you have clear criteria by which you can set useful targets and tell whether or not they have been achieved. I know it looks like jargon, but people do seem to remember it even if they occasionally get one of the words a bit confused. If you have a target that isn't SMART, then it's pretty much a waste of time.

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S= Specific & T = Timely, I use this one all the time at work. Oh poo I'm turning into David Brent! Please someone take me out and shoot me. :yikes:

 

Bang.

 

(and thanks for filling in the gaps before I did away with you).

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I'd love to be the one in a meeting to suggest the CEO should be involved with an ideas shower, pointing out that his top quality ideas would ensure it was a golden one...

 

 

We had a "brain shower" at work today, which gave me a chance to use your joke. Our Director thought it hilararious!

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I had a manager who was doing a Diploma in Management Studies - for 2 years she ate, dreamed and breathed management-speak.

 

I did get the the point I devised a version of (to put it politely) Buzzword Bingo for our last meeting before christmas. Fortunately, she found it funny, and disappointingly no-one completed their card!

 

Her personal favourites included: SMART, touching base, networking (with people not computers) and I'm sure there were many more. (I'll dig out the bingo cards at work next week)

 

There are often moments in meetings when I will find myself spouting some of the phrases that my manager regularly used - it's embarrassing, but is often received very well in management circles!

 

I also like the fact that my beloved employers have a number of "Corporate Policies". I've never understood how this works - what with being a Local Authority rather than a Corporation.

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