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You do get the car of your dreams but unfortunately an obsessive Nicholas Cage fan commits a re-enactment crime from their favourite film and just after you've parked the car and patted it lovingly it's... 'Gone in 60 Seconds'.

 

I wish for some red dancing shoes.

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You can juggle - Hurrah!! But only with live crabs. And the crabs are rather cross about this, and start nipping your fingers off with their pincers....

 

I'll just pop them in a little box on the mantelpiece next to my toes, shall I? - just to be tidy....

 

I really, really wish I belonged to a book group.

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It's not only lunchtime its teatime.. you plonk yourself uninvited down at the long table occupied only by the Mad Hatter, the March Hare and a very sleepy Doormouse. You are driven mad by their inane and circular conversation.

 

I wish I was a Can-Can dancer...

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You do score the winning goal but sadly you don't do so well in the Premiership and are relegated to the first division, then the second, then the third, never to enter the Premiership ever, ever again!! And never qualifying for Champions league again!!!! (Well after been knocked out of the first round the year after you won that is!!! :D )

 

I wish I'd won the lotto on Saturday night!!

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Remember the word 'little' is relative. Yes, your 'kitten' could be described as little, but only in comparison to a fully grown adult of the same species.

 

Your junior sabre-toothed tiger demonstrates a surprising degree of resourcefulness by using his naturally impressive dental capabilities to pick the lock you have used to secure him into his 'pram'. He leaps out and, humiliated by the impractical and downright girly attire you have adorned him with, he gobbles you up whole.

 

I wish I had a nice big chateau in the south of France, with a full compliment of household staff dedicated to my every need, comprised entirely of charming, literate and delightfully entertaining penguins.

 

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"Feche la vache!"

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The penguins are indeed charming and literate, so much so that they find you a complete bore and their job of waiting on you most degrading. So one day a rather cunning penguin called Napoleon leads his comrades into a revolt against the human world, whilst napping on your veranda you are tied to your chair and thrown out to sea.

 

I wish I lived in a lighthouse

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You do. But sadly you are stuck there until your Prince Charming comes to rescue you. He tries, but can't pick the lock to get into the lighthouse and decides to find another damsel in distress to rescue, so you're stranded there with only a few penguins from Nonfictionreader's wish for company. The penguins get bored of you after a few weeks and chuck you in the sea too.

 

I wish I had a chocolate fountain. (Like the one on the Vicar of Dibley Christmas special)

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You wish is granted - but unfortunately, in order to have such a device, your entire water supply has been cut off and replaced with second-rate cooking chocolate, meaning that all washing, whether it be your clothes, dishes or even yourself must be done in said liquid. (As for the loo - well, quite literally, don't go there...)

 

I wish my neighbours would move out...

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That's a rubbish wish! You don't even wish for anything! As punishment the Magic Wish Frog turns your house into a gingerbread cottage. Initially you think it's quite sweet (pun intended) but then you realise it comes complete with evil witch. Catching you off your guard, the witch pushes you into the oven and cooks you with brussells sprouts and cabbage....ewww!

 

I wish I had John Merricks remains........all those crazy elephant bones!

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Well, to start with, you could differentiate between your unimaginatively named children by calling one Billy, one Will and the other just plain old William. Then you could opt to practice a modicum of old-fashioned parenting by refusing to let them indulge in recreational drugs, at least 'under your roof'. It may sound harsh, but everyone will be happier in the long run.

 

I wish every day could be pancake day........

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