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You become part of a clinical trial being conducted to cure the common cold. The doctor's experiment to de-bung noses by inserting two small sticks of dynamite into said noses works, but also blows your brain out of your ears. You are left a vegetable.

 

I wish I had another week off work after this one

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You are no longer sleepy but end up staying awake until 5am watching rubbish on television, only to fall asleep and be woken, grumpy and dishevelled at 6am when your alarm goes off to get you up for work - you fall asleep at your desk and are fired before lunch

 

I wish I could sing

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You can sing beautifully....you just have the warts all over your face, and the snot dribbling out of your nose along with a hefty stench of BO that's wafting about your person to over come now!!!

 

I wish that I could eat all the chocolate in the world without actually gaining any weight or having it disturb my beautiful complexion. xxxx

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You can, and do, eat all the chocolate in the world, but when it's all gone you are attacked verbally and physically by hordes of raging women all suffering from PMT and chocolate deprivation.

 

I wish my cats would not shed their long hair all over all my carpets, curtains, beds and chairs.

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Meteorologists have done what was necessary to make the weather controllable and predictable: it is now established for certain that it's going to rain continuously for the rest of your life.

 

I wish my flat could be cleaner (and possibly bigger?)

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I wish alcohol didn't cause liver disease.

You took the wish right out of my mouth.

 

It's granted nevertheless and without the fear of liver disease you exist in the permanent haze of intoxication brought on by the finest Scottish distilleries. Your final recollection is of stepping out to meet the friendly pink elephant that turned out to be the No. 47 to Tooting Bec.

 

I wish MPs were honest, open and only concerned to do the best for their constituents.

 

EDIT: Beaten to it by Kim - and rightly so!

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Your book does write itself but instead of the gripping fantsy drama meets psychological thriller you envisaged, it turns out to be a slightly limp romance novel that you spend the rest of your days denying is anything to do with you at all!

 

I wish Jasper (from Twilight) would come to the sudden realisation that I am in fact the woman of his dreams :P;)

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Your wedding does pay for itself, or rather ITV pays for it, when you agree to take part in a wedding show for daytime television. You are lied to by the camera crew throughout and so are devastated to find televised shots of you closely resembling a Jeremy Kyle guest, wearing your spanx, hair in curlers, green facepack on, shrieking like a banshee at anyone within 50 feet of you that you're not marrying anyone unless someone gets you a "bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeping cigarette and a shot of bleep bleep bleep vodka...neat...no I don't want ice, it'll bleep bleeping dilute it you beeeeeeeeeeeep!" even though it is 7.30 in the morning...you are horrified & spend the rest of the year in big hats and dark glasses avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone when you step outside your house

 

I wish I had a pair of Chanel Mary Jane style shoes

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You do own a vineyard in the hills but your "hill" turns out to be a dormant volcano...one night it decides it has slept long enough, the eruption is so sudden that your vineyard and attached estate become a modern day Pompeii

 

I wish I lived in a big mansion on my own private island

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