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Granted - you tear yourself away from the computer and settle down for a re-read of some of your favourite weighty tomes - unfortunately you get so involved in The Children's War and This Thing of Darkness that when you return to the computer to discuss your new opinions with BGO you find that technology has moved on and everything is incompatible with the internet - not even your phone works to contact your son for help!

 

I wish I had a sensible sleep pattern.

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Granted. At 10.30 every night you fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow and you sleep solidly and without any disturbing moments of wakefulness right through to the morning when it's time to get up to head for the library.

 

Unfortunately, though, the freak weather of late besets your home with flooding. You aren't woken by the waves that engulf your house and so your bed, complete with you, floats off out the window, down the street and eventually off into the Solent. You sleep restfully and peacefully and are never heard of again.

 

I wish I could get rid of the moths that keep infesting my home!

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Swish. Your moths are no longer your problem, they have all been captured by giant arachnid webs that now engulf your house and are slowly now being eaten before they fully decay. Your house though is totally unrecognisable as a place that once was used for human inhabitation though.

 

I wish that I have free telephone and internet connection at home so that I don't have to come to work to surf the net. :D

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  • 2 months later...

I wish my hair wasn't frizzy.

You try a brand new shampoo and conditioner regimen that completely eliminates all trace of frizz from your hair. Unfortunately, though, you're in the shopping mall the next day and the shopper next to you is chosen by a talent scout as the new face of a multi-million pound ad campaign that needed someone with just the sort of frizz you'd had the day before.

 

I wish I wasn't having to wait so long for my Amazon packages to come through!

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I wish I could have an everlasting kitten.

 

You have your ever-lasting kitten, but as time goes by you get older and older until at 93 you still have this kitten that rips your furniture and pees everywhere. You no longer have the energy to chase after it and its driving you mad.

 

I wish I had a huge box of my favourite chocolates to veg out with today.

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You are a size 8, but when you turn sideways you disappear and everyone prods you and says, "You're looking ill!", and you get blown over by every light gust of wind, and Peter Stringfellow falls in love with you and stalks you relentlessly, and...or is that just my fantasy about what should happen to skinny people?

 

I wish I could write a classic novel, admired down the decades as a masterpiece.

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I wish I could write a classic novel, admired down the decades as a masterpiece.

 

You do, and it is admired down the ages, but only by academics and the education system. Your novel is drummed into school kids for years, slowly turning them away from literature until your novel is only bought by schools every 8 years.

 

I wish someone would make my lunch for me.

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I

I wish my kids would stop nagging me.

 

Your kids do stop nagging you, but it leaves you with an overwhelming sense of redundancy. In fact, your kids stop talking to you altogether.

 

I wish I have Nathan Petrelli's power...

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I wish this back pain would go away.....

The alluring promises of a secretive Hong Kong clinic persuade you to undergo their radical skeletectomy process. This leaves you completely pain - and bone - free. You regain unbelieveable flexibility greater than your most limber days of gymnastic feats, but unfortunately you are mostly a formless blob of tissue. Attempting to slither across the road one day you slip down a drain and are never heard from again.

 

I wish I could visit the supermarket without being deeply irritated by the morons who shop there and serve me!

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The manager of your local supermarket takes pity on you and allows you to shop at night, using the self-service tills, so that you are no longer troubled by morons. But then, one night there is a ram-raid and you are run over by a huge hairy moron in a stolen four-by-four and die.

 

I wish my cat would get off my c60-4ter 2eyb6ard (that was genuine, she just put the number lock on - you can see I can't touch type!).

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Your cat is lured from your keyboard by the calls of a strange old woman outside who promptly swallows it. It turns out this was part of a sequence of bizarre and inadvisable self-medication after she originally swallowed a fly, and plenty worse was to follow. She's dead, of course.

 

Unfortunately, whilst your keyboard is now blissfully feline-free you are currently helping the police with their inquiries into an apparent ritualistic murder...

 

 

I wish TV wasn't full of formulaic, unimaginative, 'reality' and talent shows - just decent, interesting programming.

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TV isn't full of formulaic, unimaginative, 'reality' and talent shows - just decent, interesting programming. The only trouble is that life has become one big formulaic, unimaginative, 'reality' show and you're up for eviction unless you perform a hip hop version of "Killing Me Softly" with your underpants on your head!

 

I wish I had a nice car.

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You have an extremely nice car, but that's all you have. No house, no family, no job. You live in your extremely nice car, and cook food by the cigarette lighter. Slowly, it's not such a nice car.

 

I wish there was some really good telly on tonight that I could veg to for hours.

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I wish there was some really good telly on tonight that I could veg to for hours.

Unexpectedly, there was some really good telly one and you did veg for hours, to the point where you are now just an amorphous vegetable soup of a human being, unable to turn the TV over and subject to whatever the channel throw at you in the future.

 

I wish I'd said 'No more wine for me please'.

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