What's your favourite joke?

[Mad Dog and Glory]

I was reminded of one of my favourite ever jokes by Deinonychus's strictures:

Q - Who led the pedant's revolt?
A - Which Tyler.

The joke that made the laugh the longest - when I was about 10 - was on a similar subject. Unfortunately I was in Benson church at the time.

Courtier: Sire, sire, the peasants are revolting.
King: No they're not, they're quite nice.

For years, my favourite joke was this:

Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish? It set.

However, around three years ago, it was overtaken at the top by this:

Q - Why did the cow win the Nobel Prize?
A - Because it was out standing in its field.

I thank you.

[Deinonychus]

Very good gag. But it must have been nearer ten years ago, because you told me that one in our NMTBuzzcocks days around 1998.

Going to have to think about this longer, though...

[Harriet]

Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish? It set.



??????????????????

[Mad Dog and Glory]

Very good gag. But it must have been nearer ten years ago, because you told me that one in our NMTBuzzcocks days around 1998.

Perhaps, but it took a while to reach the top of the charts.


??????????????????

And you being such a fine purveyor of puddings! I dunno...

[Harriet]

Yes.

[Seraphina]

i'm baffled too harriet, don't worry. and i'm irish - i hope it's nothing insulting MDG????!!! :eek:

[Deinonychus]

(Sure, it's a little old school/un-PC, but what is it that you guys don't 'get'?)

[Seraphina]

i think i'm just being thick? i really can't see anything funny/offensive in it at all? what's the joke? it just seems totally obscure!

[Seraphina]

oh ok, my boyfriend has just explained the jellyfish joke.......i think if i was a jellyfish i'd probably set too, having just proved i'm not too bright!!! ;)

[Harriet]

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON???? WHY IS A JELLYFISH SETTING? WHAT DOES SETTING MEAN????????????????????

*pants*

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

*dies*

[Adrian]

I'll raise the tone with a few highbrow ones:

A policeman pulls Heisenberg over on the M1.

He asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "Hey, René! How about a beer?" Descartes says "I think not." And promptly vanishes.

And we'd better have a literary one:

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The foreman says to him, "I'll have to give you a test to see if you know what you're doing. What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

The Irishman replies, "Ah, you can't fool me. Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust!"

[Harriet]

Ok. What is wrong with everyone and why are they telling jokes today that DON'T MAKE SENSE TO ME??????!!!!!!

*weeps*

[Obskua]

All right, dear sweet Harriet, don't weep - here's one especially for you :

A man walked into a bar.

He said 'Ouch !'

It was an iron bar.

[Obskua]

Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A. Fish.

[Harriet]

All right, dear sweet Harriet, don't weep - here's one especially for you :

A man walked into a bar.

He said 'Ouch !'

It was an iron bar.

Haha. Now that DID make me laugh!

I'm still laughing about it just thinking about it.

What's wrong with me?

[Harriet]

Fish?


Seriously.



??????????????????????????????????

[Slowreader]

During the war, my dad used to say 'don't worry about the bombs, son - you'll only be killed by a bomb if its got your name on it'. That really worried the neighbours......Mr and Mrs Doodlebug.

[Adrian]

A man walked into a bar.

He said 'Ouch !'

It was an iron bar.

Or if you're Canadian, a baby seal walked into a club...

[Opal]

????????????????????????????

Ok Harriet, I'm with you here.... Will someone PLEASE explain the jellyfish joke! :mad:

[Deinonychus]

Oh brother... :rolleyes: A jelly 'sets', yes? (As does a blancmange etc, in a mould, if you like.) A jellyfish, being a creature, clearly does not 'set'. An Irish jellyfish thus, getting it all wrong, does 'set'.

(Imagine there's a diagram here!)

Anyway. Two gorillas are sitting in a bath.
One says: "ooh! ooh! ooh!"
The other says: "Well, put more cold in then!"

[Harriet]

Can someone please explain basically EVERY joke????

*Stomps foot fustratedly*

:(

[Obskua]

OK - jelly (you know the sweet red green or yellow stuff you have with cream for pudding, sweet or dessert) is made with water, and when it has solidified it has 'set'.

A jellyfish is mainly water, and swims around in the same liquid environment. The Irish apparently have a reputation for doing things 'differently' - so, the Irish jellyfish emulated the dessert variety, solidified and hence 'set'.

His friend the Irish woodworm was found dead in a brick.

[Harriet]

Oh brother... :rolleyes: A jelly 'sets', yes? (As does a blancmange etc, in a mould, if you like.) A jellyfish, being a creature, clearly does not 'set'. An Irish jellyfish thus, getting it all wrong, does 'set'.

(Imagine there's a diagram here!)


Why would an Irish jellyfish get everything wrong???

*befuddlment*

[Obskua]

Q What's the difference between a pigeon ?

A One of its legs is both the same

[Deinonychus]

I appreciate you're young, Harriet, but are you honestly telling me you've never heard an Irish joke before?

Okay, 'Belgian' jellyfish then. It all depends where you come from. We used to tell 'Stoke Newington' jokes when I was younger...

[Harriet]

OK - jelly (you know the sweet red green or yellow stuff you have with cream for pudding, sweet or dessert) is made with water, and when it has solidified it has 'set'.

A jellyfish is mainly water, and swims around in the same liquid environment. The Irish apparently have a reputation for doing things 'differently' - so, the Irish jellyfish emulated the dessert variety, solidified and hence 'set'.

His friend the Irish woodworm was found dead in a brick.

OH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GET IT!!!!!!!!!

:D:D:D:D

*Runs through thread excitedly*

Ok woo totally calm.


Haha a Belgian jellyfish. That does make much more sense. I have a thing for Belgium......especially when my mum gets an email saying Merill Osmond is playing there.

HA!

[Adrian]

Explain? Sorry no, the replies are funnier than the jokes:D

Two fish in a tank. One said, "I can't drive either."

[Harriet]

Two fish in a tank. One said, "I can't drive either."

Haha. Now that one I get. What did the other one say? I'm curious as to how the fish got out of that predicament.

[Harriet]

I appreciate you're young, Harriet, but are you honestly telling me you've never heard an Irish joke before?


No :( I feel all left out now.

[Opal]

Why would an Irish jellyfish get everything wrong???

*befuddlment*

Yeah. I'm befuddled too. And for some reason befuddled is a very hard word to type. :(

Y'know I'm thinking that this is a thread for me to just read every now and then and be very proud when I actaully get something! :p

[Deinonychus]

Okay, we might as well get these out of the way. Fill in the set-ups yourselves:

Irish turkey...looking forward to Christmas.
Irish sea scout...his tent sank.
Irishman who opened a paper shop...it blew away.
Irish dog...flattened its nose chasing after parked cars.
Irish video...records programmes you hate and plays them back while you're out.

Actually I'm not sure I can be bothered..!

[Obskua]

You asked for it :

Paddy & Mick walking down the road.They saw a sign saying 'Tree Fellers Wanted'. Paddy turns to Mick and says, 'Sure and it's a shame your brother's not with us.'

[Deinonychus]

Q: Why can't you get ice in your drinks in Ireland?
A: The man with the recipe has left the country.

[Mad Dog and Glory]

I've been watching Reading beat Brighton on Sky. I've not missed anything, have I?

[Harriet]

No nothing at all.

[Opal]

I've been watching Reading beat Brighton on Sky. I've not missed anything, have I?
Me and Harriet not getting jokes. And that's it.

[Deinonychus]

Shame Dave Allen's not around any longer to set everyone straight re. Irish gags.

(Oooh - there's that word again...)

[Harriet]

Me and Harriet not getting jokes. And that's it.


Seriously basically every single joke?????????????

I'm leaving this thread never to return. It must be bad for my moral fibre.

[Adrian]

Haha. Now that one I get. What did the other one say? I'm curious as to how the fish got out of that predicament.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One of them said, "Can you smell fish?"

That's where the other fish was.

[Deinonychus]

Aww, come on. You must have liked my 'gorilla' gag, surely?

[Harriet]

Two parrots sat on a perch. One of them said, "Can you smell fish?"

That's where the other fish was.

Oh. Poor fish. What happened to the tank? How did the other fish get out of the tank?


Ok so I came running back in the hope of understanding something...

[Seraphina]

My fave joke for years....and i mean YEARS was

What did King Arthur do when he came to the throne?
He sat on it.

HAHAHA....ermm...yes.

[Opal]

Seriously basically every single joke?????????????

I'm leaving this thread never to return. It must be bad for my moral fibre.

As much as I hate to admit it..... yes. Although I did get the fish tank one way back at the start. I think we may both be lacking in some kind of joke-telling/understanding gene. Or something. :p

[Harriet]

My fave joke for years....and i mean YEARS was

What did King Arthur do when he came to the throne?
He sat on it.

HAHAHA....ermm...yes.

Hahahahaha yeah that one IS funny! No deep logic of the Irish/jellyfish needed for that one!

Another King Arthur related one......

Q.Why was Camelot such an itchy place?
A.Because it was ruled by King Arthur and the NITS of the round table


hahahahahahahahahhahaha

*cough*

Anyway.

[Deinonychus]

Maybe you two should start a thread somewhere in which you share your favourite 'psalms', or something..?

[Adrian]

Shame Dave Allen's not around any longer to set everyone straight re. Irish gags.

This might be from this board or another. Apologies if it's from here, shamelessly copied otherwise:

"When you're born, one of the questions they ask is what time was the baby born. You get up by the clock, eat by the clock, go to school by the clock. You spend your whole working life living by the time. And when you retire, what do give you? A gold bleeping watch!"

Paraphrased, and told a lot better by himself.

[Obskua]

Q Why are all the 'Irish' joke so simple ?

A So the Brits can understand them

[Seraphina]

Why shouldn't you pick a fight with a stupid midget?
Because it's not big, and it's not clever!

[Deinonychus]

Q Why are all the 'Irish' joke so simple ?

A So the Brits can understand them

Sadly disproved by this very thread...

[Harriet]

http://www.bookgrouponline.com/forum/showthread.html?t=851

[Obskua]

Q Why are all the 'Irish' joke so simple ?

A So the Brits can understand them

Sadly disproved by this very thread..!

Precisely

[Seraphina]

ok, just to show i'm not bitter about the irish jokes that SOME Of you have been telling *gives Deinonychus a steely glare*

3 paddys sittin in a bar celebrating the birth of paddy englishman's baby, and he says 'we named him george because he was born on st georges day.' Paddy scotsman says 'oh yes my son Andrew was named that because he was born on St Andrew's Day'. Paddy irishman goes 'Oooh that's the same with my son pancake!'

[Harriet]

Nicked this off of the end of Vicar of Dibley...:D

Two nuns are travelling in a carriage in Trannsylvania. All of a sudden a vampire stops the carriage and stands in the doorway. One the nuns says:

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

(edit)And the second nun leaps up and goes:

'RARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!'

Haha......oh no I've just seen how rubbish that is written down. It's meant to be a play on the word your/you're.....

Edit: Oh no, I didn't finish it!!! Argh...delirious from tiredness...

[Mad Dog and Glory]

I think we're all exhausted by now, Harriet.

[Deinonychus]

ok, just to show i'm not bitter about the irish jokes that SOME Of you have been telling *gives Deinonychus a steely glare*

Hey, don't blame the messenger, lady. Blame the guy who started it (ie MD&G).

[Seraphina]

lol, ok *seraphina gives MDG a steely glare for starting the irish jokes* ;)

[Lei-Lei Jayenne]

All my favourite jokes belong to Eddie Izzard! And they are a bit too long to post i think...

[belinda]

Just found this thread. Think it is about time to start on a new set of sterotypes ..............

Q What's a man's definition of safe sex?
A A padded headboard

Q How many men does it take to make pop-corn?
A Four, one to stand on each corner and shake the oven ....

[Adrian]

Just found this thread. Think it is about time to start on a new set of sterotypes ..............

Just so it doesn't start off too one-sided:

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on."

[deirdreofthesorrows]

There were 3 men hiking, they came upon a large raging river which they new they had to cross, but they didn't know how.

The 1st. man prayed to God 'please give me strong arms to allow me to swim across this river' ........and as if by magic he was able to jump in and despite almost drowning twice he made it to the other side in 2 hours.

The 2nd man prayed to God 'please give me the strength and the tools to cross this river and.......... he was given strong arms and a rowboat, and despite almost capsizing his boat 3 times he made it to the other side in 3 hours.

the 3rd man prayed please give me the strenght, the tools, and the intelligence to get across this river, where upon God turned him into a woman, she looked at the map and crossed the river 2 miles upstream by bridge!

I thought this was funny when I heard it first.not so sure now.

[Tess]

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "Hey, René! How about a beer?" Descartes says "I think not." And promptly vanishes.


Brilliant :D

Discovering this thread has made my day, thank you all for the laughs!

[Adrian]

This is as good as time as any to try the spoiler tag:

Camilla goes to talk to the Queen, "You know, every time I suck Charles' cock I get indigestion."

The Queen replies, "Well, have you tried Andrew's?"

[lucyb]

my favourite joke of all time was one I got wrong:

Two fish in a bowl, one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Apparently should be two fish in a tank, but I prefer the more surreal version. Similar tale as follows:
My uncle died of asbestosis - took them two weeks to bury him.

I'm not in huge demand at parties...

[Harriet]

I heard this joke on the radio the other day and I thought it was really funny.

What do Henry the Eigth (having a mental block.....is that spelt right? anyway) and Kermit the Frog have in common?

Their middle name

:D:D:D TeeHee

[Deinonychus]

(Best get back to your psalms!)

Q How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A Put it in a microwave and its bill whithers.

This announcement comes to you courtesy of 'Give an Old Joke a Home Week'. We thank you for your support.

[lucyb]

In keeping with the current trend, I offer the following - a joke so old, I'm only going to include the punch line:

Super cauli, fragile lipstick, expect halitosis. Ta-daaaa :)

[Starry]

These aren't exactly jokes, but they make me laugh:

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? - Steven Wright

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" - Norman Lovett

(On the difference between men and women) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. - Jeff Green

And finally a proper joke:
How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him. - Al Pitcher

[Magwitch]

Current favourites:

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing a pair of shorts made out of clingfilm.
Psychiatrist: Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting sheep.
The interr....
Baaa baaa

[Bookworm348]

Insert your preferred stereotype in place of ****** (Irish Man/Blonde/Chav etc...), so as not to offend!!

A ***** buys a new bath. She/he takes it back the next day and complains to the sales assistant.

**** "This bath is faulty, it has a hole in it"

Sales Assistant "Didn't you put the plug in?"

**** "You didn't tell me it was electrical!"

Hee hee hee :)

[Obskua]

Knock knock

Who's there ?

Godot - you can go home now, your wait is ended

[excalibur]

This joke is one of my personal favorites as it has retained its freshness and topicality ever since the onset of the Monica Lewinsky scandal some seven or so years ago:

A man dies and is sent up to heaven. As he stands in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him. To St Peter he asks; "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," says the man, incredulous. "Whose clock is that?"

"That one is Mother Teresa's. The hands have barely moved a millimetre, indicating that she hardly ever told a lie.”

"Incredible," says the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responds; "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

”Where can I find Bill Clinton’s clock?" asks the man.

”Mr. Clinton’s clock is in Jesus' office.” Replies Saint Peter, expressionlessly. “He's using it as a ceiling fan.”

[Bookworm348]

Just got sent this one by email and found it quite amusing, especially considering the issues I am having with the tax man at the moment!!

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Krey20]

BUMP

Not sure what's funnier in this thread. The jokes or people not understanding them.

Anyway..

Two cannibals are having dinner, one says to the other:
"Your wife makes a lovely soup."
"Yes, but I'm going to miss her."

You can all do better than that... :)

[lipstick_librarian]

OK, I'm useless at remembering jokes but someone told me this one today...

I was walking down the street and saw a busker with a didgeridoo. He was playing 'Super Trouper'. I think it was an Abba-original. :o

[Minxminnie]

My favourite. The only photography joke I know. Sorry it's wordy - you need to set the scene.
For **, rework to suit your choice of subject.

The photographer's dilemma:
You're in Washington**, and there is a terrible flood. You find dry ground, but people, cars, furniture comes rushing past you in the flood waters. Suddenly, you see, clinging on to a piece of wood and heading straight towards you, George Bush - the leader of the free world**. In one hand, you have your camera. What a great shot this would make. You would be on the front page of every newspaper in the world. You could name your fee after this. Your other hand, though, is free. You could save him.

The choice is yours.

Colour or black and white?

[Radders]

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble began …

[Boris the Cat]

It was a hot summer's day and the people of Newcastle were surprised to see that Prince Charles had turned up to open their new bridge sweltering in a big fur hat. They didn't realize that earlier in the day the Queen had asked her son where he was off to and when he had told her, her reply had been: "Newcastle? Wear the fox hat!"