Corrupted Wish Game

[Abbynormal92243]

I swiped this from Bookcrossing because it's so much fun----(here's a link: http://bookcrossing.com/forum/5/1158253/subj_The-Corrupted-Wish-Game)

Each person makes a wish, and the person after them corrupts it (and at the same time makes a wish of their own)! (Stolen from the NaNoWriMo forums)
Example:

Person 1: I wish it was Christmas!
Person 2: It is Christmas, but you've forgotten to buy gifts and everyone gives you the silent treatment the rest of the year.

My Wish:
I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.

[My Friend Jack]

You don't have to work tomorrow - you've been fired!

I wish that Reading beat QPR tomorrow.

[Abbynormal92243]

I wish that Reading beat QPR tomorrow.

Reading does beat QPR tomorrow, but it's their last game. Ever. (boy, I hope those are teams. heh)


I wish I had a BMW like what James Bond drove in----er. That movie.

[Barbara]

Reading does beat QPR tomorrow, but it's their last game. Ever. (boy, I hope those are teams. heh)


I wish I had a BMW like what James Bond drove in----er. That movie.


You'll get one for Xmas - it will come from Hamley's the toy shop.

I wish I could meet a nice friendly helpful alien from outer space.

[Harriet]

The nice friendly alien from outer space will give an interesting ride to Mars and forget to bring you home.

I wish I was going to see REM tomorrow instead of 9th July.

[My Friend Jack]

You are going to see REM tomorrow - but the gig is cancelled.

(BTW, Reading did beat QPR 1-nil. :D And yes, they are teams!)

I wish it could be Christmas everyday. Where the kids start singing and the band begins to play.

[Abbynormal92243]

I wish it could be Christmas everyday. Where the kids start singing and the band begins to play.

heh.
It IS Christmas every day, and the kids are singing Jingle Bells over and over again.
and over.
again.
nothing but.
and the band can only play one note. B flat.

I wish I had a Harley.

[Harriet]

You have a Harley - but it cost you all your life savings and fell apart as soon as you got home.

I wish the Christmas holidays were longer

[Lulu]

I wish the Christmas holidays were longer

You are trapped in a parallel universe where the Christmas holidays last for six months. There are no shops open, no fresh food, no transportation and the cashpoints have no cash.

I wish I was somewhere sunny and warm today.

[Barbara]

You have a Harley - but it cost you all your life savings and fell apart as soon as you got home.

I wish the Christmas holidays were longer


They last for a month and you put on one stone in weight, become an alcoholic, break the TV, DVD and CD players and quarrel with all your friends and family.

I write a bestseller and become famous

[Barbara]

You are trapped in a parallel universe where the Christmas holidays last for six months. There are no shops open, no fresh food, no transportation and the cashpoints have no cash.

I wish I was somewhere sunny and warm today.


You are in hawaii but you are still wearing your sheepskin, cashmere jumper, corduroy trousers and skiboots!

I wish I could write a best seller and become famous

[Harriet]

You become famous and get a group of obsessed fans who stalk you EVERYWHERE

I wish it would snow on Christmas day.

[BrumB]

It is snowing on Christmas day and you get a black eye from a well aimed snowball.

I wish I could be a jazz singer

[Rootytootytoo]

*Puff* You are a jazz singer, but standing on street corners singing the word 'Jazz' over and over again proves unsatisfying.


I wish I could fly

[Claire]

You can fly!

But you can't get back down again, and you keep getting stuck in rooms with high ceilings.

I wish I could touch my toes....


(What an excellent game :D Glad it's been revived!)

[Rootytootytoo]

Oh no! :eek: You can touch your toes.... but sadly this is because they were lopped off in a freak scrabble accident and now sit neatly on the mantlepiece.


I wish I had a monkey

[Harriet]

You have a monkey, but it's untrained and eats you.

I wih Kurt Cobain was still alive.

[My Friend Jack]

Kurt Cobain is still alive and he's just released a collection of Sinatra covers in a Sinatra style.

I wish my dinner was ready.

[Mad Dog and Glory]

Your dinner is ready and it's boiled tripe, deep-fried gall bladder and a sheep's eyes terrine.

I wish I had more time.

[Rootytootytoo]

You have more time but you spend it watching Des and Mel in the afternoon repeats.

I wish I was going on a luxury holiday tomorrow.

[Jassie]

*ta-daaaa* You are going on a luxury holiday tomorrow but you have to take your mother in-law with you and when you get to the resort you find there's only one room left and your mother in-law gets a case of diarrhoea and farts in her sleep... a lot!

I wish I had three wishes.

[Tess]

You get your three wishes but you get stuck in a loop and the only thing you can say is 'I wish I had three wishes' and so you continue to be granted three wishes for all eternity...

I wish I had a pet tortoise

[Rootytootytoo]

Piff Paff Poof! You pop your pet tortoise, 'Roy', away to hibernate but then have no idea where you left him... for a few nights you hear faint rustling noises.... then no more.


I wish for world peace.

[Jassie]

On the granting of your wish you are sucked into a alternate universe worm hole and spat out to be disposited on a desert island planet where you have a lifetime's supply of chocolate and pringles but are alas the only person on the planet. So as long as you don't argue with yourself voila - World Peace... just not this world...awww.

I wish I was rich man...yaba daba daba

[Mad Dog and Glory]

You are a rich man. A very rich man. So rich, in fact, the cannibals can only manage a few mouthfuls.

I wish I had a new Audi Cabriolet with an electric hood instead of my ten year old seen better days motor.

[Jassie]

You do get the car of your dreams but unfortunately an obsessive Nicholas Cage fan commits a re-enactment crime from their favourite film and just after you've parked the car and patted it lovingly it's... 'Gone in 60 Seconds'.

I wish for some red dancing shoes.

[Tess]

You get your red dancing shoes and wear them out straight away but a car drives through a great puddle, soaking your shoes and causing the dye to rub off onto your feet.

I wish I could juggle

[Claire]

You can juggle - Hurrah!! But only with live crabs. And the crabs are rather cross about this, and start nipping your fingers off with their pincers....

I'll just pop them in a little box on the mantelpiece next to my toes, shall I? - just to be tidy....

I really, really wish I belonged to a book group.

[Rootytootytoo]

You do belong to a book group. They keep you as a pet and feed you twiglets on the first Thursday of every month.

I wish I could speak fluent Italian

[Tess]

You can now speak Italiano! However you can can no longer speak English...

I wish I could drive

[Jassie]

You can, you drive everyone around you crazy.

I wish for a knight in shining armour to take me away from all this washing up and drudgery....sigh.

[Rootytootytoo]

Clip clop clip clop... the Knight arrives to whisk you off your feet but unfortunately the suds from your washing up rust his armour. He grinds to a clanking halt unable to move.

I wish I had a fantastic singing voice.

[Tess]

You have but its of a pitch only audible to dogs, woof!

I wish it was lunchtime

[Jassie]

It's not only lunchtime its teatime.. you plonk yourself uninvited down at the long table occupied only by the Mad Hatter, the March Hare and a very sleepy Doormouse. You are driven mad by their inane and circular conversation.

I wish I was a Can-Can dancer...

[Tess]

ta-da! You are a can-can dancer but on opening night you forget to do your warm up and tear a ligament, leaving you on crutches for 6 months!

I wish I owned a vineyard

[Rootytootytoo]

Your vineyard in Chernobyl looks very pretty... although the grape size is a bit alarming and you're sure one of them just winked at you. Better jusht haff another glash of (hic)... snore.


I wish I could resist corrupting other people's wishes!

[Abbynormal92243]

You do resist corrupting others' wishes....because you're in a coma.

I wish I didn't have to walk home from work today.

[Slowreader]

you don't have to walk home from work today because you were made redundant yesterday

I wish I could score Aston Villa's winning goal in the Champions League final

[happyfriday]

You do score the winning goal but sadly you don't do so well in the Premiership and are relegated to the first division, then the second, then the third, never to enter the Premiership ever, ever again!! And never qualifying for Champions league again!!!! (Well after been knocked out of the first round the year after you won that is!!! :D )

I wish I'd won the lotto on Saturday night!!

[Harriet]

You did win, but so did about 1000 other people and you end up winning 3p.

I wish I could go on holiday tomorrow to a far off place with lots of sunshine and nice food and nice warm sea and lots of pretty little fish in the sea to look at.

[Deinonychus]

You did, but the far-off holiday destination is the deserted island where your Easyjet crash-landed, the pretty little fish are piranhas and the nice food is you...

I wish I could remember her name...

[Seraphina]

You can remember her name, it's Frederica - but during the day she works on a building site and answers to the name Big Fred.

I wish I had a cute cuddly little kitten all of my own. I'd put it in a dress and wheel it round in a pram. Don't kill it please! :p

[Nonfictionreader]

Remember the word 'little' is relative. Yes, your 'kitten' could be described as little, but only in comparison to a fully grown adult of the same species.

Your junior sabre-toothed tiger demonstrates a surprising degree of resourcefulness by using his naturally impressive dental capabilities to pick the lock you have used to secure him into his 'pram'. He leaps out and, humiliated by the impractical and downright girly attire you have adorned him with, he gobbles you up whole.

I wish I had a nice big chateau in the south of France, with a full compliment of household staff dedicated to my every need, comprised entirely of charming, literate and delightfully entertaining penguins.

----------------------------------------------
"Feche la vache!"

[Tess]

The penguins are indeed charming and literate, so much so that they find you a complete bore and their job of waiting on you most degrading. So one day a rather cunning penguin called Napoleon leads his comrades into a revolt against the human world, whilst napping on your veranda you are tied to your chair and thrown out to sea.

I wish I lived in a lighthouse

[Opal]

You do. But sadly you are stuck there until your Prince Charming comes to rescue you. He tries, but can't pick the lock to get into the lighthouse and decides to find another damsel in distress to rescue, so you're stranded there with only a few penguins from Nonfictionreader's wish for company. The penguins get bored of you after a few weeks and chuck you in the sea too.

I wish I had a chocolate fountain. (Like the one on the Vicar of Dibley Christmas special)

[Deinonychus]

You wish is granted - but unfortunately, in order to have such a device, your entire water supply has been cut off and replaced with second-rate cooking chocolate, meaning that all washing, whether it be your clothes, dishes or even yourself must be done in said liquid. (As for the loo - well, quite literally, don't go there...)

I wish my neighbours would move out...

[Dream Weaver]

Your neighbours do move out...and in with you.

I wish that this wish would come true.

[Seraphina]

That's a rubbish wish! You don't even wish for anything! As punishment the Magic Wish Frog turns your house into a gingerbread cottage. Initially you think it's quite sweet (pun intended) but then you realise it comes complete with evil witch. Catching you off your guard, the witch pushes you into the oven and cooks you with brussells sprouts and cabbage....ewww!

I wish I had John Merricks remains........all those crazy elephant bones!

[Deinonychus]

And so you shall. In your own body.

I wish my bills weren't so relentlessly high...

[Nonfictionreader]

Well, to start with, you could differentiate between your unimaginatively named children by calling one Billy, one Will and the other just plain old William. Then you could opt to practice a modicum of old-fashioned parenting by refusing to let them indulge in recreational drugs, at least 'under your roof'. It may sound harsh, but everyone will be happier in the long run.

I wish every day could be pancake day........

[Tess]

Took me a while to get that last corruption but I like it :)

[happyfriday]

Well, to start with, you could differentiate between your unimaginatively named children by calling one Billy, one Will and the other just plain old William. Then you could opt to practice a modicum of old-fashioned parenting by refusing to let them indulge in recreational drugs, at least 'under your roof'. It may sound harsh, but everyone will be happier in the long run.

I wish every day could be pancake day........

I love it!!! :D :D That was very funny!!!!

Every day is pancake day, and thats all you can ever eat again all other food is ruled out, and the only filling you can have is brussel sprout and bean filling!!! A combination i would imagine could cause some questionable side effects and be very harmful to the o-zone layer, hence the ice caps would melt and the winds would pick up, snow would fall in Africa, and there would be heat waves in Greenland and you would be responsible for the end of world all because you wished every day to be pancake day!!!

I wish I was on my holidays in a warm location with all my friends and lots and lots of spending money to spend on fine food and wine!!! :D

[Rootytootytoo]

Its me, fully recovered from my coma!

Wishing for the warm location was a mistake really wasn't it?

Your friends are all really hacked off with you because although they have all been whisked away from the humdrum everyday world and suddenly have masses of cash in their pockets that could easily be spent on fine foods and wine... they are alarmed at finding themselves on an unstable boulder in the middle of an active lava field. Still, as you await your crispy end you can explain what a nice thing you did including them in your wish.

I wish it would snow properly in Southampton, but not so much as to keep me at work!

[Tess]

You've got your wish, it’s snowing in Southampton! Unfortunately it doesn't show signs of easing and the roads into and out of the city are becoming treacherous, so much that the government is forced to declare the entire city a no-go zone, nothing is allowed in or OUT! The cold spell lasts until the end of April by which time teenagers from Millbrook have declared control over the city, it is finally reopened on the 1st May renamed Chavhampton.

I wish I had my own swimming pool

[Grammath]

You have, but its in Southampton and is frozen until the end of April, plus which your verucca just won't go away....

I wish I was skinnier and less bald.

[Seraphina]

TA DAA!!!
Wish granted, you skinny hairy creature.
Unfortunately you are so skinny and hairy you give the general public quite a fright :eek: when you walk down the street, including a budding scientist who believes you to be some kind of new humanoid species. It's his greatest discovery, the big break he's been waiting for, he's going to be FAMOUS!!! He catches you in a big butterfly net, and you can't escape because all that hair gets caught in the net - and subjects you to humiliating tests and forces you to sleep in a cold metal cage, taking no notice of your protests that you're a 'real person, honest'! If it's any consolation he thinks you're quite smart........! :p

I wish that I could eat chocolate cake every day and not get fat. And don't even think about trying to corrupt this wish by saying that's ALL i can eat every day - because I honestly wouldn't mind that at all!!!! ;)

[Slowreader]

but you CAN eat it every day and not get fat......because you have an acute case of irritable bowel syndrome which, in your case, means that everything you eat passes more or less straight through you. Consequently you spend most of your waking hours on the pan, so many that you've had to move your books, your telly and DVD into the bathroom, and are currently trying to convert it into a home - office.....

I wish I could be invisible.....

[Jassie]

Who said that?

:rolleyes: sorry couldn't resist!

I wish I had an armadillo

[Rootytootytoo]

You proudly agree to sponsor an Armadillo called Gavin. Unfortunately this particular Armadillo likes to play fast and loose with your cash and builds up several thousand pounds in gambling debts with people that don't like to be kept waiting. As his sponsor it isn't long before you hear a knock on the door....

By the way Tess - good work with Chavhampton!

I wish I could do the splits.

[Slowreader]

You do the splits but can't get up. You are not Rootytootytoo, but a giraffe named Victor.

I wish I could remember jokes

[Deinonychus]

You can - but they're all from the collections of Jimmy Tarbuck, Jim Bowen and Joe Pasquale...

Wish you were here, love Aunt Prudence.

[Seraphina]

We are all there. All of us. Every single book group member. And we're all in your house. Grammath has just broken your favourite plate by throwing it at Megustaleer after they had an argument about The Lovely Bones. My Friend Jack has raided your drinks cupboard and OOPS in his drunken state spilt a bottle of red wine on your carpet. Rootytootytoo is listening to your CDs and not putting them back in the cases :eek: and Slowreader has started to use them as coasters while incessantly spouting Jimmy Tarbuck and Joe Pasquale jokes. Tess has nicked the majority of your books, she and her accomplice HappyFriday are carting them off in your pillowcases as we speak. NonFictionReader is sitting in your kitchen and he's eaten the cake you were saving for your mum's visit on Sunday. If it's any consolation he says it was yummy. Dreamweaver and your high bills are smoking a joint in the bedroom and have burned holes in your bedspread. If I were you I'd get back there sharpish and sort it all out - I'm using your laptop to write this - OOPS just spilt coffee in it!

I wish all the burglars in the world would fall down wells and die like that little girl in Ring. Especially the ones that robbed me, the BASTARDS!!! :mad:

PS...hope no one minds me using their names! Just took them from the last people to post on this thread, nothing personal! ;)

[Annabellalot]

All the robbers in the world have fallen down their respective wells and died but unfortunately their legacy lives on in the re-runs of The Sweeney and a new generation of Thieving Bastards is born ... Shut it!!

I wish that the Summer would hurry up, it's just too darn cold!

[BrumB]

Summer is here, the sun is shining, birds are singing and a cloud of killer bees is making its way towards you.

I wish I could sing like a lark

[donnae]

You can sing like a lark, but as you sing, you fly higher and higher and are carried over to France, where they shoot you down and put you in a pie!

I wish I was 30! (instead of 40!)

[Tess]

You are 30...years older!

I wish I could snowboard

[Grammath]

You can, but you've recently been forcibly relocated to one of the flatter bits of Holland.

I wish this headache would go away.

[Slowreader]

It has, but it took your brain with it

I wish I could juggle

[Seraphina]

You can juggle, in fact you're amazing at it, you can even juggle 15 LIVE kittens without hurting them!

Trouble is, you develop Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and you can't stop juggling or else you're sure you'll immediately be eaten by a dragon.

Unfortunately the kittens get so annoyed at you juggling them (not to mention the fact they can't keep anything down due to motion sickness and are therefore a bit peckish) that they turn on you and eat you up before the dragon gets a chance! :eek:

I wish it was 5pm and I was on my way home to a yummy meal cooked by my boyfriend. (not by me as I burn everything. Even the utensils.) :o

[BrumB]

You are home, the dinner is perfect and your boyfriend even does the washing up.But your boss calls and you have to go back to the office and work through the night on aproject about road clearance.

I wish I could climb a mountain and not get vertigo.

[ChrisG]

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's up the mount you go, experiencing not a bit of vertigo. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for altitude sickness, which leaves you gasping and disoriented and you fall down a glacier!

I wish I was back in Florida where it's warm and sunny and all my friends and family are.

[Obskua]

You are back in Florida - unfortunately, all your clothes remained here, and you were arrested as you stepped off the plane. You are currently in a holding cell with several highly undesirable companions, and are about to discover if a 'fate worse than death' is as bad as it sounds ...


I wish I had three more wishes.

[Harriet]

You have three more wishes, but not a single one comes true :(

I wish my coursework would do itself

[Mad Dog and Glory]

Your coursework just did itself, and got an F.

I wish Reading would win the Premiership.

[Deinonychus]

It does - Jose Mourinho's been engrossed in Dickens for the past seven months. (I think he models himself on Magwitch, personally...)

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

[belinda]

Getting into the festive mood Mr and Mrs Deinonychus wished Mr and Mrs Tyranosaurus Rex a Merry Christmas but did not live to have a happy New Year.

I wish that money grew on trees

[Deinonychus]

Okay, just for you, money grows on trees - now there's no oxygen in the air and come Autumn we'll all be skint...

I wish everyone else could be as happy as I am.

[ChrisG]

We are all as happy as you are, but in our case(s) it is for reasons that are legal. ;)

I wish I could fly.

[Tess]

You can fly, however this is only in your mind due to the class A drug you have just consumed, have fun sharing a cell with Deinonychus.

I wish I was ambidextrous.

[Dr. Strangelove]

You become ambidextrous, and you are able to write in both English and Chinese. Unfortunatley you get muddled between the two and are stuck between speaking half English and half chinese at the same time.

I wish I can skip exams yet still be clever.

[Harriet]

You can skip exams and still be clever, but unfortunately your universities of choice will not accept you due to lack of exam results.

I wish my phone hadn't gone through the washing machine and still turned on!!!!

[ChrisG]

Your wish is granted - your phone does turn on! But for some strange reason you only get text messages from entities known as Ariel, Daz and Fairy.

I wish the slugs in my garden would disappear.

[Dr. Strangelove]

The slugs disappear from your garden and end up in your house.

I wish I could go on holiday

[belinda]

You go on holiday with your parents to Saudi Arabia and your exam results are emailed through. Your parents leave you behind there to do your retakes.

I wish my children would stop re-setting my ring tone on my mobile

[donnae]

They do stop re-setting it, but leave it so that it always rings with that dreadful little chick ring tone! ;)

I wish I could eat all the Easter eggs without getting fat(ter)! :D

[Obskua]

Your wish is granted - you can consume as many Chocolate Easter Eggs as you wish, yet gather no avoirdupois.

This is because you are allergic to chocolate, and throw up violently after swallowing each mouthful - but you cannot stop eating them !

I wish I could find a mint, inexpensive, mono, first pressing of Piper At The Gates Of Dawn at the record fair tomorrow.

[belinda]

You get you mint, inexpensive, mono, first pressing of Piper At The Gates Of Dawn home and put it on the table to admire it. Your best friend comes round with a child and whilst you are out of the room melts the disc up to make a flower pot having just learned to do this at primary school.

I wish I could give up smoking

[Dr. Strangelove]

You give up smoking, but then take up an even worse hobby...playing golf.

I wish that travelling to different countries was cheaper.

[Elfstar]

Travelling to different countries is cheaper, however you have been classified as an undesirable alien (sorry) and are unable to leave your home.

I wish I was a clever as the rest of you!

[Abbynormal92243]

You ARE as clever as the rest of us. Unfortunately, we all have tsetse fly brains. :D

I wish my car was fixed.

[Obskua]

Your car is fixed - unfortunately, I suspect you really wanted it mobile.

I wish someone would invent porous concrete so my drive would drain.

[Elfstar]

Your concrete is porous but unfortunately the water passing through is affecting your foundations and your house is sinking.


I wish my lawn remained at a constant level all summer.

[donnae]

Your lawn stays the same height all summer, unfortunately that is 8 feet high! You get lost in it and are unable to find your way out. You are stuck forever trying to find your lawnmower!

I wish it would stop raining!

[Grammath]

It has stopped raining...for a very long time. Dartmoor becomes a desert.

I wish I could think of a witty and entertaining wish for one of you to shoot down in flames.

[Seraphina]

Since you can't think of a suitably entertaining wish, we shoot YOU down in flames instead! Now you have a long time in hospital unable to move, so you can spend lots of time thinking up wishes!

I wish that all the Neds/Chavs/Spides/Scallys/....(you get the picture) would all move to Aiya Napa and stay there and leave the rest of the UK for normal people. I'll even pay to open up a Burberry shop just to tempt them.....free buckfast.....Adidas bottoms for everyone....orange fake tan, domestos for their hair....come on, they'd be in heaven and our town centres/public transport/empty properties would be a hell of a lot safer!

[Elfstar]

All the chavs etc are sent to Ayia Napa (tho Kavos might have been a better choice it could have been cut off or set afloat........) but as it was your idea you are sent out to organise the move and become chief chavette.

I wish my knowledge was good enough to keep up with the poetry chain without balancing my poetry books on the window ledge by the pc.

[Obskua]

Your wish is granted - your knowledge of poetry is such that you are invited to chair discussions on Radio 4.

Unfortunately, removing the books from the window sill means that you have to put pot plants there instead - and you are favoured with a visit from the Drug Squad.

I wish my voice recognition software worked, so I could just dictate my responses and e-mails.

[belinda]

Your voice recognition software has the voice and IQ of Jade Goody. All your firiends, family and colleagues desert you.

I wish dogs could walk and clear up after themselves

[Elfstar]

Dogs can walk and clear up after themselves, they also clear up everything left by anybody else, thus that book you put down for 2 minutes is gone as is the cup of coffee you had planned to drink, in fact dogs consider most human things worthy of clearing and your home is almost empty......

I wish I could see the hills instead of the pall of mist.
(perhap I should move the pot plants see Obsuka's post)

[Cathy]

You can see the hills but they are actually volcanoes and they form a ring surrounding your house so you can never leave...

I wish I could marry Colin Firth and live happily ever after!

[Seraphina]

You DO marry Colin Firth and live happily ever after....UNTIL that is, your poor ex-boyfriend who you cruelly dumped in favour of Mr Firth's attentions intervenes with your perfect life by challenging him to a duel in a fountain (my own idea, not poached from any films :p ). Sadly your ex-boyfriend overpowers Colin Firth and ties him to the fountain wearing only a pair of manky old y-fronts. You can never look at him with respect again and your marriage goes downhill after that.....sorry!

I wish I had been clever enough to win the pub quiz last night, I would have won a crate of beer and £180!

[Cathy]

You did win the quiz last night but only by putting yourself through the humiliating process of dancing for the audience in the style of David Brent while sporting a giant chicken costume, and you spent the £180 at the chippy on the way home, thus putting on 3 stone overnight, plus you have a hangover...

I wish I could the herione in Pride and Prejudice (thus sneakily also bagging myself Colin Firth again and rescuing myself from the failing marriage, see above).

[Seraphina]

Ok, you're the heroine in Pride & Prejudice BBC version. You're a star!! And you do indeed bag Colin Firth, happy days! It's also happy for the rest of the crew, it's the last day of filming! Colin Firth is off to cavort with Bridget Jones and your next job is appearing as an admin assistant in a new version of 'The Office' set in...wait for it.....A newspaper office! And your co-star/romantic love interest is....Ian Beale!

I wish that Johnny Depp lived across the street so that I could have the thrill of spying on him every day with my binoculars, and perhaps a chance meeting in the street! And Vanessa Paradis is still in Paris. She's not allowed!

[Cathy]

Johnny Depp does move in opposite you, but instead of seeing him through your binoculars, you spy his rather ugly, knarled and wrinkly old cleaner, as he takes his bi-annual bath. He takes this as a sign you are flirting with him and in consequence, the smelly old cleaner falls madly in love with you, spends all his evenings crooning outside your flat in a fetching pair of Y-fronts. ;)

I wish I could stop typing out entries for this stupid phonebook and write an incredibly profound, yet gripping and romantic, masterpiece of Literature.

[Seraphina]

You do complete such a novel - it's gripping, romantic, profound - you're billed as the next Charlotte Bronte! Your novel sells millions of copies and makes you a multi millionaire aka JK Rowling! Unfortunately, like all geniuses, your talent is unrecognised in your own time and your success is posthumous. Your novel is considered brilliant - but in 2200AD! You spend your life trying (and failing) to get said novel published, supplementing your paltry income by typing out adverts in a newspaper office!

I wish that Louise who sits next to me hadn't just succeeded in persuading me that Brian McFadden, formerly of Westlife, has become a sex god! :o

[Cathy]

You look at http://www.webqueen.mobilixnet.dk/Westlife/Bryan.html and become cured of your newfound conviction, however, you develop a powerful crush on Ronan Keaton instead, and spend your life savings following 'Our Ronan' around the world. You become the subject of one of those reality TV documentaries, following deranged fans around, which is so hilarious that everyone watches it, and everyone you have ever known becomes aware of your sad obsession... former friends ignore you in the street, your company is scorned by all, and worst of all, Ronan won't even know you exist...

I wish everyone in my office would stop being so grumpy and soulless, and would break out in song and dance, a la Musical Comedy. Or crack a joke that is actually funny. Or smile.

[Seraphina]

Haha, your wish is granted! *evil smile*

You now go to work every day in a can-can outfit and take part in 'Daily Record - The Musical'. Every day you must compose a new song about phone books and perform it in front of your colleagues while dancing on your desk and TYPING WITH YOUR TOES! (obviously you must still hit your targets, even if you ARE singing and dancing!)

Ahhh, work is so much fun!

I wish I had my own private Jet so I could fly away on holiday any time I wanted. And Johnny Depp as my pilot/steward/general slave!

[Cathy]

Your wish is granted, but you understaffed your plane at your peril: every time Johnny Depp comes into the passenger lounge to... entertain you, the plane begins to fall out of the sky, so he has to spend all his time running between the two jobs of pilot and slave, leaving you with the dilemma of chosing between death but with short lived enjoyment on the way to death, or let Mr Depp get on with his job like the responsible pilot that he is, giving you little chance to get to know each other on more intimate terms.

I wish that one of the following romantic heroes would leap out of the stationery cupboard, whisk me off my feet and spirit me away to an exotic location with him:
(Mr Darcy/Colin Firth - obviously
Mr Rochester
David Duchovny
George Clooney)

[Seraphina]

Woo! David Duchovny to your rescue! Out he pops, out of the stationery cupboard, whisks you off your feet and......takes you back into the stationery cupboard! (well it's unexpected if not truly exotic!) You have to hide among the pens and post-its and be very quiet as he's spying on your boss who is suspected of being an alien. Scully is on another mission and he got bored being alone, hence his abduction of your fine self!

As for George Clooney, get lost! He's mine! :mad:

I wish that the building would go on fire, that all the computers would explode and we all got put on paid leave til they were fixed! And we are all rescued by hunky firemen. And the firemen fall in love with me. All of them. And they've been rescuing kittens from trees all morning. Hmmm...getting carried away...! :o

[Cathy]

The firemen, of course, fall in love with the next maiden in distress they rescue, the following week, thus leaving you with nothing but a flat full of un-house-trained kittens who scratch. By this time, you are back at work, and thanks to the new equipment, are expected to be twice as efficient, leaving no time free to fantasise about firemen!

I wish all the silly sales people around me would realise the error of their ways, grow real hearts and souls and devote their time to helping the poor and needy of the world instead of selling things nobody needs, such as adverts in the phonebook...

[belinda]

All the silly sales people around you become Jehoveh's witnesses and spend their working life to convert you (and they don't drink tea or coffee either so there are no coffee breaks)

I wish that the Charles and Camilla wedding furore was over

[Cathy]

The furore over Charles and Camilla disappears, only to be replaced with even greater furore, as Prince William declares himself to be gay! The establishment is in uproar, women faint in the street. In fact, Gay Prince William is the headline of every newspaper and the first item on every news bulletin for a decade!

I wish Britain would win Eurovision this year!

[Seraphina]

We do win Eurovision this year - and you're the winning candidate! Unfortunately you win dressed in an identical outfit to the one Jordan (aka Katie Price) wore in the heats! You are forced to do hundreds of publicity shots and appear on every daytime tv programme for months. You lose all self respect and become a laughing stock, and your nickname is Barbie.

I wish......hmmm........I wish I was as clever as my little sister who has just got 99% and 100% in her physics and maths AS levels.

[Cathy]

Now you have your Maths and Physics AS levels, but your calf muscles have withered away after months of book bashing at your desk, thus meaning you are no longer able to stand on tip-toes, thus meaning you can no longer reach all manner of good things that can be found on top shelves :eek: Such as Physics text books by authors whose names begin with A. Meaning you go on to score only 75% in your final A levels :eek: :eek:

Surely this is a fate worse than death....

I wish I had spent less time at high school worrying about exams and more time cavorting with boys behind the bike sheds ;)

[Abbynormal92243]

I wish I had spent less time at high school worrying about exams and more time cavorting with boys behind the bike sheds ;)


You DID spend all your time cavorting with boys--that's why you now have 19 kids, the youngest of which is teething, so you are constantly covered in drool and Zwieback toast.


I wish I had a farm with lots of acres and a full staff to keep everything up while I wrote best-selling novels.

[Cathy]

You have a large farm with a full staff, unfortunately, you bought a farm on a marsh, and you house is sinking along with your novels-in-progress. I would come and help you out but Kyle, my 19th child, has colic, and Shelley, my oldest, has just told me she is pregnant again... ;-)

I wish my brother becomes a famour film director, putting me in a position to meet all manor of exciting movie star type people like... Colin Firth... or George Clooney...

[Bookworm348]

Your brother is a famous film director and brings Colin Firth, George Cloony and a few others to meet you, unfortunately you discover that they are all arrogant idiots and far too concerned with themselves to take any notice of you.

I wish the job that I love paid me more!

[Seraphina]

The job you love does pay you more - sadly it's the last time you get paid more - you've been paid off! :(

I wish that Metallica would kidnap my sister and take her on tour as a groupie, because I'm visiting home just now and she's driving me crazy by playing heavy metal music at full blast!

[belinda]

Metallica do kidnap your sister and when you go to get her back you and Lars Ulrich (the drummer) fall madly and passionately in love and you have to attend all their concerts even though you still hate the music

I wish that pigs could fly

[laurajane]

they CAN fly, unfortunately you now have to pay someone to clean the crap off your roof...

i wish i was indestructible

[Cathy]

You are indestructable, but only because you are Captain Scarlett, which means you have less available facial expressions than Anne Robinson. Also, those pesky Mysterons won't leave you alone, they keep turning up and nearly killing you again. You are obliged to spend the rest of your days saving the world from certain destruction, to make it worse someone has tied string to all you limbs and made you into a puppet. Indestructability comes at a high price! ;)

I wish my boyfriend had A Great Estate in Derbyshire like Mr Darcy so I didn't need to work in this rubbish job anymore and could spend my time learning to play the piano and riding horses and drying flowers instead!

[ChrisG]

Your boyfriend does have a Great Estate in the country, but, like many estate owners he is foundering under all the taxes and so cannot hire any help. You have had to give up your (paying) job and are learning to make wonderful tunes on the piano as you are dusting and polishing the keyboard as part of your housekeeping duties, as well as exercising the horses every day and shoveling the manure which you then have to spread about the flower garden to grow the flowers that you then have to cut and dry and make into tinctures and ointments because the estate is too far out in the country for you to ever get to a doctor!

I wish my cats wouldn't shed all over the house!

[Cathy]

Your cats are all bald so your house is fuzz free! Ha ha ha (evil laugh)

I wish it was summer already instead of this stupid rain and cold weather that has started again, as it makes me very grumpy!

[Tess]

Your cats are all bald so your house is fuzz free! Ha ha ha (evil laugh)

That is a particularly mean corruption! Chris I can completely empathise with you on the cat hair :)

Anyways back to corruptions :p Romance Obsessed, it is summer and it is one of the best on record, beautiful sunshine, cooling breeze and everyone is very happy and courteous to one another, unfortunately you and your rubbish job have been relocated to the southern hemisphere.

Edit - I forgot to put my wish! As others have continued the corruptions I shall not mess up the system and will leave my wish until next time.

[excalibur]

It is summer except, (just for a change) it transpires to be the hottest on record dramatically influencing the number of sunburn casualties (not excluding yourself). To counter the effects of en masse panic buying, ‘Boots’ and other cosmetic stores raise the retail price of suntan lotion by 99900% making it a commodity only for the extremely wealthy. A nation bewildered at the prospect of being frazzled begin removing all of their life-savings from their bank accounts, thereby causing the banks to go bankrupt. In turn, these banks start demanding money from other businesses, from which they have been borrowing from over a protracted period of time. Businesses go bust, the Chancellor’s smile as well as his Budget Box loses all of its photogenic appeal and hyperinflation sets in, crippling the economy and reducing this great country to a corrupted banana republic.

I wish that Charles Kennedy were Prime Minister……….

[belinda]

Charles Kennedy is prime miniser and changes the consittuion so that only people with ginger hair can vote and don't have to pay tax (this means he has to bring Robin Cook into his cabinet as well) which means there all gnome purchases are now vat free as well.

I wish that New York hadn't got that complicated smoking ban

[Harriet]

The new smoking ban is very simple - no smoking whatsoever in the entire state.

I wish MTV2 was actually showing stuff to signify that today is the 11th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death, instead of just showing Spongebob Squarepants *fumes*

[Cathy]

OK, so the ban is reversed, but there is still money in the Banning Budget which has to be used somewhere ! So Ice Cream and Jelly are banned in New York, very meanly, making all children under 11 very grumpy, so grumpy that the form an organised resistance movement, carrying out 'jellyings' of unsuspecting smokers who they view to be to blame. Everyone has to wear waterproof ponchos in the street to protect their clothes, New York's reputation as a hub of fashion and stylishness is ruined, companies pack up and the city is deserted...

I wish I had lots of shoes... only joking ;) Can you believe a girl I was at school with sent this wish off to Jim'll Fix it?! How rubbish is that?!
I wish I could drive properly, like make gear changes easily and not just on long stretches of straight road with no traffic lights, so I could actually pass my test and stop wasting money on retaking it and even more lessons! :)

[ChrisG]

You have finally learned to drive properly and have passed your test. Unfortunately, because it took so many tries you are deemed a bad risk and no one will give you insurance.

I wish someone would knit sweaters for my poor, shivering cats (see former wish corruption)

[Cathy]

Your friendly neighbourhood knitting club for grannys moves into your house and knit sweaters for all your cats. Yey! :) But in exchange you must spend 7 hours a day massaging their corniced feet :( (Sorry grannies out there!)

I wish the girl next to me at work wasn't flashing her thong quite so much!

[Elfstar]

The girl next to you HAS stopped flashing her thong, but she now works topless :eek: which causes a certain amount of disruption.


I wish the school holidays weren't sooooooooo long.

[Harriet]

The school holidays cease to exist and all children drop from exhaustion frequently.

I wish teachers didn't give homework in school holidays!

[ChrisG]

Teachers stop giving homework alltogether and students on holiday are forced to endure hours of the insipid dross of daytime television, thus being converted into a phalanx of chavs and chavettes.

I wish I had my own Lear jet so I could visit the USA whenever I wanted.

[excalibur]

You do have your Lear jet as requested although not for much longer for it transpires that beneficiaries of the Edward Lear Memorial Trust Fund, (ELMTF) armed with a plethora of grotesquely-built bailiffs, have come knocking at your property under the mistaken belief that your prized aeronautical craft rightfully belongs in the deceased authors ownership. On closer inspection and to add to the horror reckoning, these bailiffs sport lovingly depicted illustrations of MaCavity and the Owl and the Pussycat on their lapels, which only acts to magnify their sense of physical formidability, (as anyone whose had the misfortune of witnessing the musical 'Cats' will testify.)

I wish that Conservative door-to-door ‘dodgy dossier’ salesmen would cease scavenging for my vote seeing as my allegiances do not lie with the Right of the political scrotum…….sorry…, SPECTRUM. (I always make that mistake….well, seeing as this is the ‘Humour’ section after all.)

[megustaleer]

The Conservatives will cease canvassing for your vote, because the last one to call managed to hypnotise you into believing their policies will save the world, bring universal happiness, and increase your personal fortune. You wouldn't dream of voting for any other party!


I wish that I had self-trimming lawn edges.

[ChrisG]

Your lawn does have self trimming edges - it has died and so there is no more shaggy growth to be annoying.

I wish Spring would finally get here - and stay!

[belinda]

Spring does arrive and stays. Unfortunately she also brings the rest of her traveller convoy with her

I wish that moths didn't like cashmere

[Tess]

Moths no longer like cashmere but have instead become partial to human flesh :eek:

I wish I had finished all my work this week, instead of having to take it home for the weekend

[Bookworm348]

You do manage to finish all your work this week, but only because the working week is now seven days long as the new conservative goverment, that excalibur voted in after being hypnotised, have abolished weekends!

I wish that I finished work early on Fridays like everyone else seems to.

[Harriet]

You do finish work early on Fridays, but only because you have to go into work every Saturday at 6:30am.

I wish I hadn't left all my homework till the last day of the holidays, and that I didn't keep getting sidetracked by this website!!!

[Dr. Strangelove]

You do all your homework in the beginning of the holidays, which leaves you free. Unfortunaley on the Sunday before you go back you are hit by a car, which could have been avoided if you were at home doing work.

I wish that Sex and the city was on the weekends.

[Deinonychus]

(Nice, cheery reply there...)

Sex & the City is on all day Saturday and Sunday - and you are forced to watch every single episode and to pretend that it's remotely funny to a group of sadistic adjudicators.

I wish there were such a thing as a music station that didn't feel compelled to play Coldplay...

[Harriet]

(Lmao at LittleBritain's reply.....I think I'll stick to leaving my homework 'till the last minute.....)

This new music station doesn't feel compelled to play any Coldplay, instead they play Maroon 5 and Keane all day, every day.

I wish Sex and the City was on twice EVERY day :D:D:D

[Mad Dog and Glory]

Sex and the City is one twice a day for all eternity. However, you are turned into a boy and suddenly don't find it remotely funny. In fact, just like Green Wing on Channel 4, you realise it's rubbish.

I wish that, every time I thought of an answer to a corrupted wish, I didn't then have to think of another wish for someone else to trample over.

[Harriet]

You never have to wish again, but now the wish fairy suddenly appears and as you are unable to wish, you spend the rest of your life in misery thinking about the wishes you could have had granted.

I wish I understood standard deviation.

[Deinonychus]

You understand it fine - the only problem now is that all the lamps in your house have started dressing in drag and going with farm animals.

I wish I could be more trustworthy.

[Grammath]

Congratulations, the world now believes unquestioningly in your every utterance and recognises you as being highly trustworthy and full to bursting with intergrity.

You seize the opportunity to embark on a glittering political career in which you show up the current mob for the smooth talking shysters they really are. It is all going swimmingly well until your standard deviation with farm animals is leaked to the "Daily Mail".

I wish I had broadband.

[Harriet]

You get broadband and are immediately so overwhelmed with the super high speed internet that you are downloading approximately 1500 songs a day. Unfortunately this causes your computer to explode, and you inconveniently don't have broadband, or 'narrow'band anymore.

I wish Pete Doherty would stop taking drugs and lying about it.

[donnae]

Pete Doherty stops taking drugs and the Libertines split up. He becomes a leading member of an Online Book Group, but nobody ever believes what he says about the books he reads!

I wish my flight to New York wasn't going to take 7 hours! :(

[Deinonychus]

You book with Concorde to save flight time, all the while forgetting that it no longer exists and arrive in the States fourteen years before you left, bumping into yourself on the way back and falling into some kind of timewarp with Lord Lucan and discontinued parts of Michael Jackson's face for company.

I wish I could save money on my home contents insurance! But how?

[donnae]

I took your home contents with me on Concorde and your insurance company says they can't insure the contents as they are now contained in something which isn't a home! Your home contents insurance is now very low!

(I can recommend a good insurance company for house contents on a serious note - no personal affiliation!)

I wish my hair hadn't gone grey!

[Tess]

It didn't go grey but fell out instead!

I wish someone would make me a cup of tea

[Elfstar]

I'll make you a cup of tea unfortunately by the time you get it it is stone cold and congealed...what was'nt spilled on the journey to you that is!!


I wish that my windows are self cleaning.

[Tess]

Your windows are beautiful and sparkling and you didn't have to touch one cloth, now you have an even better view of the new landfill site next to your home!

I wish my joints didn't ache

[Deinonychus]

Your joints no longer ache, but you're now addicted to Dr Bryant Winkelman's Patent Remedy Painkiller which has thousands of side effects - among them the urge to throw spanners at churches and wee milk.

'I wish there were a lighter way to enjoy ice cream..!'

[ChrisG]

You have been shot into outer space and are now in freefall - so you are a whole lot lighter - but you can't get the ice cream to stop floating into the air around you so none of it goes in your mouth. (The new, super-duper weight loss program - literally ;) )

I wish I had nothing else to do but read books.

[Dr. Strangelove]

You call up the home insurane help hotline, but the person on the otherside commits suicide. The police believe that you were assisting suicide, and put you behind bars for 3 years.

I wish that this song was available to download.

[Elfstar]

It is available to download unfortunately it is the only song available and you are stuck in a continuous loop annd you HATE it now....

I wish I was a tree.

[Bill]

Sadly, Little Britain answered a corrupted wish from the previous page which had already been answered, with the result that ChrisG's wish has not been corrupted.

Anyone any ideas how to get out of this unholy mess?

[belinda]

Sadly, Little Britain answered a corrupted wish from the previous page which had already been answered, with the result that ChrisG's wish has not been corrupted.

Anyone any ideas how to get out of this unholy mess?

Three corrupted wishes in one .....................

You have nothing to do but read - the problem is that that you have to read the same lyrics all over and over (I'm a Lumberjack). This leads to a situation where all Elfstar Trees are felled by army of mounties wearing high heels suspenders and a bra (apologies to Monty Python)

I wish I had remembered to pay my access bill on time

[ChrisG]

Sadly, Little Britain answered a corrupted wish from the previous page which had already been answered, with the result that ChrisG's wish has not been corrupted.

Anyone any ideas how to get out of this unholy mess?

Mind your own business, Bill, I was perfectly happy to have that wish uncorrupted! :D

OK, I guess we have to let the thread get on with it. ;)

[Dr. Strangelove]

Ok Bill I'll do yours

You pay your bills on time, and bill companies send you more bills, because they know you get your bills on time. You now owe the company in excess of £1,000,000.

I wish I could sleep in my own bed tonight.

[Opal]

You can, but oddly your bed has been moved to the middle of a roundabout. You wake up in the rush hour tomorrow with lots of commuters staring at you as they drive past. You're stuck there until 10am because the traffic's moving too fast for you to get off the roundabout.

I wish my computer programming coursework would get magically done for me. Without any mistakes in it. :D

[Deinonychus]

It is 'magically' done. But unfortunately all your coursework has been replaced with diagrams of low-rent televisual conjuring tricks, because it was completed by magician David Nixon. Who's dead anyway, so there's no comeback there...

I wish this horse would leave my kitchen.

[Elfstar]

The horse has left your kitchen and is now in your bed, forcing you to spend an extremely restless night (or two) elsewhere in the house.

I wish for a beautiful summer.

[Dr. Strangelove]

You get a beautiful summer, but sadly the weather sticks and it's summer forever. Not so bad you may think BUT the glaciers up North melt, drowning the world. Well done.

I wish I lived somewhere else

[Harriet]

You now live on a nice cosy drain in central london in the centre of all pollution and nastiness. Enjoy!

I wish The Libertines would hurry up and get back together.

[Deinonychus]

The Libertines do get back together - and now we all have to endure even more tedious daily updates about their 'not-at-all-contrived' spats with one another...

I wish I could play poker and win loads of money and nothing bad ever happen, ever.

[Dr. Strangelove]

The wish guru pops out while you are gambling your family on a big hand of poker. He says 'You cannot wish for nothing bad to happen'. So he takes away the magicness of the spell and you lose your hand, and thus your family.

I wish Frank Dean and Sammy were doing a comeback show one night only and I had tickets.

[Mad Dog and Glory]

Frank Dean and Sammy do indeed stage a comeback. That's Frank Dean, bus driver by day, male stripper by night - although his services haven't been much in demand since he got the goitre. But there he is, onstage, accompanied as always by his pet chihuahua Sammy.

And all for want of a comma.

I wish I could drink the finest wine known to humanity.

[Dr. Strangelove]

*Sigh* Thanks for that!

You drink the finest wine in the world, which incidently is so good it kills you. (Much like the joke) You die. Take that.

I wish that School was easier

[Opal]

It is. In fact school becomes so easy that it now takes minimal effort to get good grades. Consequently everyone stays to do A-levels and go to university. In fact before you know it everyone has a degree and the only way to get a good job is to stay "in education" until your mid-twenties doing a PhD. And even then you'll start off in a job on minimum wage. ;)

I wish I could rehighlight my hair (so that it still looks good) without having to pay a fortune and spend hours in the hairdressers every couple of months.

[My Friend Jack]

You can, Fiona, you can! And - not only that - but now that your hair is one inch long all over, you save an hour in the bathroom every morning!

I wish... that the lovely weather we are having today (in Sussex, we are, anyway!) will last over the weekend.

[Tess]

In fact before you know it everyone has a degree and the only way to get a good job is to stay "in education" until your mid-twenties doing a PhD. And even then you'll start off in a job on minimum wage. ;)
hmmm that sounds all too familiar to me, although I'm hoping to get more than minimum wage at the end of it! :eek:

[Opal]

hmmm that sounds all too familiar to me, although I'm hoping to get more than minimum wage at the end of it!
Me too!

I wish... that the lovely weather we are having today (in Sussex, we are, anyway!) will last over the weekend.

It does. But thats summer for this year (in Sussex). It now rains continuously there til September. Which wouldn't be too bad, but you make the mistake of telling your kids that the rain's not so bad - it's like a giant shower. Then they refuse to go anywhere near a shower for 6 months. :p

I wish my internet connection would be upgraded to something much faster and stop spacking out when I'm trying to do something!

[jebbie74]

I wish my internet connection would be upgraded to something much faster and stop spacking out when I'm trying to do something!

Your internet connection is now so fast, that the pages won't load properly, as all internet providers think that everyone on the planet has mastered speed reading 101.

I wish that the cat would stop licking the photographs he finds on the coffe table. (And, yes, he actually does this!)

[Dr. Strangelove]

Your cat stops licking the photographs on the table, but then takes up the hobby of licking the television while a picture is on it.

I wish they brought back the cereal Lucky Charms. MMMM!

[Deinonychus]

The cereal Lucky Charms does indeed make a comeback, children become addicted to its litany of E numbers and the streets are now governed by the few wild-eyed mania-ridden tots who haven't choked to death on all the free gifts hidden therein to tempt them.

I wish I could turn back time...

[Harriet]

You turn back time and get stuck in prehistoric times where you get eaten by a large dinosaur.

I wish I could have 2 weeks off school without being suspended or expelled or the school being set on fire

;)

[Opal]

You can have two weeks off - your school decides to give everyone the next two weeks as a break for no apparent reason. But to compensate for the lack of time to cover the rest of the syllabus this year, they then make you go to school seven days a week until the end of term!

I wish I could spend the whole summer surfing and going to festivals. :D

[Deinonychus]

(You turn back time and get stuck in prehistoric times where you get eaten by a large dinosaur.

Errm, I am one - hence the name...)

[Harriet]

Whoops. Must have overlooked that. Oh well, dinosaurs do eat dinosaurs sometimes....I'm sure you're not an exception to this rule :)

You can spend the summer surfing and going to festivals but unfortunately it rains constantly throughout the summer and as you used up all your free time in the 'summer' you have to spend the nice sunny 'winter' working. Sorry!

I wish gigs didn't have any age restrictions.

[Mad Dog and Glory]

All age restrictions are removed, which means that apple juice rules can tag along with you to every gig, and you end up bickering throughout and not concentrating on the music. In fact, when Pete Doherty sees you have turned up with your younger brother, he changes his mind and decides not to ask you if you want to come backstage afterwards.

I wish my house sale could go through without a hitch.

[lucyb]

It goes through so suspiciously smoothly the Inland Revenue think you have something to hide and spend the next ten years going through your finances penny by penny...

I wish someone would invent an automatic dog walker...

[Harriet]

All age restrictions are removed, which means that apple juice rules can tag along with you to every gig, and you end up bickering throughout and not concentrating on the music. In fact, when Pete Doherty sees you have turned up with your younger brother, he changes his mind and decides not to ask you if you want to come backstage afterwards.


:eek: Doooooooooooooooooooooom

An automatic dog walker means you never have to go walking again and you become obese and cannot leave the house ever again.

I wish Pete Doherty would invite me backstage when I go to see Baby Shambles on Friday :D

[Deinonychus]

After Babyshambles' latest on-stage debacle, Pete D hurries you backstage to avoid the marauding moshers who have been ripped off for £15 to watch the band play for under ten minutes. There, he slumps comatose into his favourite 'crack' chair with Kate draped all over him - and you're mistaken as the cleaner by the venue's management and ordered to tidy the entire auditorium. ;)

I wish my throat would stop hurting.

[Dr. Strangelove]

Your throat stops hurting, and you feel fine. However you drop dead the next day due to suffocation. If only that pain was there it would have reminded you to get it checked out.

I wish that sexism didn't exist

[lucyb]

It doesn't! In fact men and women become so tolerant towards each other that nothing ever gets done. For example a couple in Southend on Sea have been having the same conversation outside Sainsbury's for the last year:
"After you..." (opens door)
"..No I insist, after you.."
"..no I really do insist, after you..."
Everyone eventually dies from hunger and its all your fault...

I wish a Chinese Banquet would just appear on the table whenever you thought about it.

[Harriet]

You keep accidently thinking about Chinese Banquets, which keep inconveniently popping up in the most awkward situations. For example, you're being interviewed for a new job and all you can think about is Chinese banquets.....at least you'd never go hungry again...

I wish I didn't have a 6 hour art exam tomorrow

Edit: Ok I've now found out it's in silence as well. Yipee.

[lucyb]

You don't. After much consideration, the examining board decided to change it to 8 hours.

I wish my garden would do itself.

(Hope the exam went well, by the way, H. :D

[Dr. Strangelove]

Your garden does itself for you. But then it goes weird and starts cleaning your house and your car. Your haouse is blanketed by a giant garden who only means to wish you well.

I wish brothers would go away

[lucyb]

Thankyouthankyouthankyou :D You turned my house into a hobbit hole!

Your brothers go so far away it costs you a fortune to visit them at christmas (and that's before the presents...)

I wish I could meet Peter Jackson

[Deinonychus]

You do meet Peter Jackson. Peter Ignatius Jackson from Streatham Park, who invites you round and entertains you with his 'cowboy' magazine collection, then treats you to weak tea and homemade upside-down cake that tastes oddly of crayons.

I wish chick peas didn't need soaking overnight.

[Harriet]

The manufactuers state that chick peas no longer need to be soaked overnight, and everyone finds themselves eating unsoaked chick peas that are rock solid and break your teeth.

I wish Carl Barat had showed up at the Baby Shambles gig last night...

[Deinonychus]

He did. With a sawn-off shotgun. And killed loads of people, for which he is now in custody. Nobody noticed, because it was Brixton. (Any chance of a embargo against mentions of Libertines/Babyshambles members on this forum? No, okay...)

I wish my horse would come home. It's been so long...

[Elfstar]

Your horse HAS come home and is now back in the kitchen from which you wished to remove it. It has also brought a herd of friends who are now taking over the rest of your house......

I wish my paperwork was self sorting.

[Harriet]

Your paperwork sorts itself so you never have to see it again. Problem is, your bank overcharges you by £3000 and by the time you realise it's too late. If you'dve had to have sorted your paperwork yourself, you would have noticed in time to rectify this error.

I wish I had gone to bed an hour ago....

[lucyb]

Doctor Who appears in his Tardis in response to your wish to take you back the required hour and deposits you in your bed. Unfortunately, as even a Time Lord cannot be in two places at once, he misses his opportunity to divert a planet-killing comet heading for earth and we all die. Billions of years later, Cockroach scientists poring over our fossilized remains uncover your bed with you still in it. Having found out that you were the cause of the entire planet's impending destruction, you became too depressed to move and never got up again.

On a lighter note, I wish I had a self-cleaning kitchen.

[ChrisG]

Your kitchen cleans itself very efficiently. In fact, it is so efficient that every time you try to make something to eat it is whisked away before you can eat it. You now have to eat all your meals out and your bank balance is quickly dwindling from the expense.

I wish I had more gardening space (so many plants, so little room!) :p

[Bookworm348]

You do have more gardening space but only because your house was blown away in a tornado. You don't have much time to do your gardening though as you are busy building yourself a treehouse to shelter from the miserable British weather.

I wish my best friends lived nearer to me.

[ChrisG]

Your friends have all come to live with you and you are discovering all their disgusting personal habits and irritating quirks and wondering what the Hell you ever saw in these people!

(I DO sympathize, though - my friends are on the other side of the ocean)

I wish I could stop buying so many books! (Someone corrupt that one quick!) :D

[Opal]

You do. Your next shopping splurge on Amazon gets a bit carried away and you buy everything. Yes, I mean all the books they have. Your credit card is then maxed out so you can't buy any more books but you're happy.... We're not supposed to do happy endings are we? Ok then, your delivery of all these books gets mistaken for a donation to your local library. The books go to a good home (although sadly not yours!) but you can no longer buy more books. you can borrow them though (a few at a time) so all is not lost! :D

I wish I had enough free time that I could spend a whole weekend reading like I used to be able to.

[BrumB]

You get your wish and you spend a week on the sofa reading to your heart's content but you stop being able to tell fact from fiction and your life takes on a whole new isolated existence.

I wish Tony Blair would go and live in America with George Bush

[Deinonychus]

Blair does go to live in the States with Bush - but having won an 'historical third term', is still our Prime Minister. Now, however, he's even more Yankified and, like most US-based politicians, has no concept of what's going on in the rest of the world - which starts to inform new rules and regs in the UK. Eventually, everyone in Britain dies from being either too obese, shooting one another or from car crashes caused by driving on the wrong side of the road. (Courtesy, Cliched Views of Other Countries Inc.)

I wish all the poor and needy children of the world could be fed and clothed and for there to be no more war.

[ChrisG]

(It really pains me to corrupt this one BUT it is the 'corrupted wish thread)

All the needy children of the world are fed on the Western junk food diet and become obese, plus they are clothed by Nike, so they become rabid consumers so there is no more war because everyone is fat and complacent and just doesn't give a damn. :rolleyes:

I wish that elections weren't so often - same old, same old!

[Bookworm348]

Elections are no longer held so often and because of this we are stuck with labour for the next twenty-five years. Thanks ChrisG!

I wish that all my friends would move out of my house (see previous wish) and into a house down the road.


(I DO sympathize, though - my friends are on the other side of the ocean)


Mine too - at least it means I can have good holidays though! :D

[Dr. Strangelove]

Your friends move out and start to have a good time, parties and such. Apart from you are not ivited because you kicked you out. They tell everyone how mean you and you die alone.

I wish that it was the end of term NOW

[lucyb]

It is the end of term. You've done no revision and fail all your exams. You spend the rest of your days as an unskilled labourer on a pig farm just outside Stafford Train station.

I wish the twenty-odd years worth of renovation on my house could be done overnight.

[Deinonychus]

It is done overnight. By cowboys. Now your property has no value whatsoever, looks like a joke and everyone that passes cannot stop laughing at it/you. In shame, you emigrate to a mountain in Bagheera where you are finally spotted forty-one years later talking to a gorilla.

I wish all the world's most nauseating schoolkids didn't seem to descend upon South West London.

[belinda]

The world's most nauseating schoolkids no longer descend upon South West London as the wearing of Nike trainers leads to ASBOs - the result of this is that South West London is taken over by followers of the Kaballah who wrap all remaining citizens up in red thread and take them to be re-cycled.

I wish I could double guess what clients would buy ...........

[lucyb]

You do. Unfortunately, you're so good at it that the shops empty entirely sparking off such and increase in business profits that the CBI explodes in excitement and the Bank of England hikes interest rates so high that everone's house gets repossessed. The whole of Great Britain becomes a nation of bums living out of cardboard boxes.

I wish I could make croissants.

[Deinonychus]

You can. And for convenience you eat nothing but for several years. Subsequently your weight balloons to fifty-eight stone and you become a female wrestler, just in time for the remake of that bloody awful ITV series that's just been axed...

I wish loads of people would buy my book...

[belinda]

Loads of people do buy your book (if we knew what it was we might as well) and you are hailed as the new Jeffrey Archer. Devastated and broken by this you donate all proceeds from the novel to the Pug Welfare Association. Even greater public adulation follows the reporting of this in the press and you are elected to parliament – you write another book and you are hailed as the new Edina Currie …. Even the members of bookgrouponline and the Pug Welfare Association now desert you and you fake your own suicide and are never heard of again as you live out your days in a yurt iin the wide open spaces of Anne Widdecombe's back garden (it is also rumoured you ghost write her novels)

I wish that libraries were open 24 hours a day

[Opal]

They are. Unfortunately since you can now stay in the library for as long as you like you don't leave. You just sit there reading book after book after book... Eventually you take up permanent residency there, sleeping under tables using books as a pillow. Unsuprisingly you lose your grip on reality fairly quickly and now live in a strange little world in your head. A similar situation to the one Brumb put me in after my last wish :p

I wish I had one of those huge aquariums with lots of cute little fish in.

[Deinonychus]

You have, but sadly you didn't specify any water - so they all die.

Just like Stevie, I wish those childhood days could come back once mo'...

[lucyb]

They do. Enjoy having your nappy changed.

I wish I could walk into a shop and find clothes I like in the right size straight away.

[ChrisG]

You can. In fact, every shop you go into has clothes you love that fit you to perfection. This leads you into a buying frenzy. You max out your credit cards and your car gets repossessed because you can't make the payments so you have loads of fabulous clothes but can't afford to go out anywhere.

I wish I had more time to get everything done that I need to

[Dr. Strangelove]

You now have all the time in the world. Unfortunaley the world is imploding in 10 seconds. Hurry up!

[Deinonychus]

(And your wish is..?)

[Dr. Strangelove]

Oops! Ok that young fit guys now are smart, and always well amnnered, rather than wearing jeans round their arses and being loutish.

[Deinonychus]

They are. And rock 'n' roll as we know it dies a death accordingly. Now everyone under the age of 25 is painfully well-mannered and has no edge of which to speak, not to mention any discernible personality traits whatsoever. Old men therefore become the new rebels...

I wish razor blades, loo roll and tampons were free - like they should be...

[Obskua]

Having rubbed my magic lamp, your three wishes are hereby granted. Razor blades are now free - to ladies. Tampons are now free - to men. And all babies under six months old are given free loo rolls, complete with explicit instructions in their use - in Sanskrit. Thus do New Labour keep their promises.

My wish is that, during his unending sojurn in Hell, Doctor Richard Beeching's eternal flames be extinguished daily by being smothered under 24 tons of rancid hyena droppings, which, when they dry, spontaneously combust.

[lucyb]

Granted. Hyenas become extinct and every frustrated commuter in the world gets so excited they pass away from sheer joy. Heaven gets clogged up and everyone left gets to go to hell. Nice.

I wish I could enjoy the walk to work in the morning.

[Elfstar]

You can and do, unfortunately you enjoy it so much you are consistently late for work and end up getting the sack, you now spend all your time retracing your path to work on an endless loop.


I wish someone would reply to my thread on "anything but books"

[lucyb]

They did. You feel obliged to try out each and every suggestion and go bankrupt. Sorry.

I wish I could grow my own vegetables.

[Grammath]

Your green fingers result in the production of an abundance of vegetables from your patch.

However, your green fingers are also the result of the large concentrations of dodgy chemicals and radioactive particles in your soil thanks to the nearby power plant. This means your produce is completely inedible unless the consumer would like to develop a selection of curious cancers. It does, however, comes in a variety of interesting colours and shapes.

I wish someone would buy my flat.

[belinda]

Someone does buy your flat - unfortuately they find the bodies you buried ...... the good news is that you can rent out your new flat on a 25 year long lease whilst you live free of charge in Wormwood Scrubs

I wish I didn't have exceedingly noisy neighbours

[Mad Dog and Glory]

You no longer have noisy neighbours, as Grammath has murdered them all, and then framed you for the killings. You spend the next 25 years in Holloway, where your neighbours are very quiet...too quiet. Until one day...

I wish I could sell my house.

[lucyb]

You do...at least the Council buys it from you under a compulsory purchase order for half the going rate. You end up buying Grammath's old flat which was going cheap on account of not being able to get rid of the smell of decaying flesh.

I wish I could go swimming without getting my hair wet.

[Deinonychus]

You can and do - after contracting alopecia.

I wish I lived in San Francisco, sometimes...

[lucyb]

Eaaaarthhhquaaaakke!

I wish I could remember not to leave the barbecue out in the rain...rust burgers anyone?

[ChrisG]

You do; unfortunately it is just after your 'red-striped' burgers become all the rage among junk food addicts! You thereby miss your opportunity to become a mega-millionaire by being the next McDonalds like mogul!

I wish I could win the Lottery some week.

[Dr. Strangelove]

You do win the lottery! But unfortunaley the papers name you and everyone you know and love tries to swindle it from you. Your great aunt manages to and you are left penniless!!

I wish Philadelphia story would hurry up and come out on DVD. the 20th is too far away!

[ChrisG]

You do win the lottery! But unfortunaley the papers name you and everyone you know and love tries to swindle it from you. Your great aunt manages to and you are left penniless!!

I wish Philadelphia story would hurry up and come out on DVD. the 20th is too far away!

Sorry, I'm not here to corrupt your wish. Philadelphia Story is my all time favourite film - I have it on video - and I hope you get it soon because it is fabulous!!! :p

[Dr. Strangelove]

I haven't seen it and so I'm literally bursting to get it! Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart *Swoon*

[donnae]

Never seen it, so I will corrupt it! It comes out on DVD tomorrow, but only on Region 1 forever, and u can't buy a multi-region DVD player anywhere, and never get to watch it!

I wish that my first attempt at making rhubarb wine is successful!

[Dr. Strangelove]

Haha I already have a multi region one :P But I'll let you off!

Your first attempt at making rhubarb wine is successful, but unfortunaly you become an alcoholic. Your family leaves you and you wind up alone.

I wish that the mail came on Sundays

[lucyb]

It does - about a ton and a half of chain mail. The postman gives you a very funny look and henceforth assumes that any 'dodgy' catalogues should come automatically to you. Your neighbours then get the wrong idea too and ostracise you completely....apart from the strange man at number 4 who begins bringing you flowers. Dead and with the heads cut off. Time to move.

I wish the hedge would cut itself.

[BrumB]

The hedge cut itself and cried so hard we had to wrap it up in a tarpaulin.


I wish that trees could talk.

[belinda]

Trees can talk - the divorce rate soars, trees are cut down and forget global warming - it's global frying

I wish my dog didn't fart

[Deinonychus]

He doesn't - he retains all noxious gases, takes off and explodes somewhere over Senegal.

I wish Russell Crowe would just bog off forever.

[belinda]

He doesn't - he retains all noxious gases, takes off and explodes somewhere over Senegal.

Poor pug - and poor Senegalese

I wish Russell Crowe would just bog off forever.[/QUOTE]

In marketing wankology a bogoff is 'buy one get one free' so now there are two Russell Crowe's both of whom move in on either side of you.

I wish that the temperature on the Red sea coast drops 20 degrees but remains sunny

[lucyb]

It does - twenty degrees directionally not thermally. Everything at the top of the country rolls down to the bottom and half the population is underwater.

I wish computers didn't break down.

[BrumB]

They don't and so all those patronsing computer doctors go out of business and turn their attention to mending washing machines and boring busy homeowners.

I wish the washing would hang itself out.

[Dr. Strangelove]

The washing does hang itself, but then it dies. You now have t buy a new wardrobe.

I wish they made movies like they used to. (I got Philadelphia story on DVD Now my life is seemingly complete :D )

[ChrisG]

Yeah! Philadelphia Story is the greatest!

They DO make movies like they used to - they are still on film! (Unfortunately they are not well written, witty or non-violent, car-chase ridden, etc. - ain't it the truth? :(

[lucyb]

and your wish...?

[ChrisG]

Sorry! Wish? That the wit and good acting, witty dialogue, etc., of the 1940's/50's films, would be done in films in the 21st century! So not happening now, I'm afraid. :rolleyes:

[Deinonychus]

It is, and no references are made to any developments in the human world since WW2 - thus rendering all contemporary movies completely nonsensical.

I wish my horse would wake up.

[Dr. Strangelove]

It does, but now that you woke it up, it's in a bad mood, and bite's your head off.

I wish I was 22